well... how bad do i want it?

So, a little glitch in my plans. I have to take a retest. Written and practical. Wow. I think I will be okay but its just the unknown that freaks me out. I definately want to run somewhere again before that time comes but so help me God I will never let my license expire again! I guess I should be grateful that I can test at any test site in virginia. That means I shouldn't have to testwith anyone in my past or anyone that knows me. That's a good thing. I'm looking forward to the new no partner format. Hopefully I can get a leg up and learn some new stuff before.

We are going out tonight to finally get some adult time. Meeting new people has never been a forte of mine. Well see how this goes!

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just a quickone.

wo today has been an interesting ine. i mean it was neither good or bad. some parts were hellish some were pretty freaking sweet if i dare say so. it just wasnt a red letter day. Rather than the fact that I got some good news about getting my life back on track. I know that sounds silly but for so long I have lived my life like a modern day drifter. Its nice to know that I have a chance to change really means allot to me.

Time Marches On...

Here I am again. Thinking about the same things, my past. It is filled with more twists and turns than ribbon candy but it's familiar. The things I left behind were the ones I loved the most. But then I realized that maybe I didn't leave them in the past. Maybe, and this is a big one, Maybe I wasn't supposed to give up as easily as I did. I mean I gave everyone what they wanted. And the sad thing is that they did not hate me for me. They hated me for everyone elses lies. Every time I was judged it was because I had a very sucky personal life. I had allot of issues, allot of problems and much of them was of my making. I was young, immature, and not ready to be where I was... Hit the fast forward button. I'm three years out. My life is clean. I mean 95% of my proverbial skeletons are out of my closet and I think I'm ready. I think that the knowledge that I have in my head should be able to do me some good, and others for that matter. I know that men and women will talk. I know that I might still have some rumors to outlive but I am ready. I think that me denying what I really want to do with the rest of my life would be horrible. And, I think that deep down I have fought what I want to do for the couple years that I have kept my mouth shut. I really believe that other people got to me. Had way too much influence on me... I am ready to start fresh. And that is exactly what I have every intention of doing.

Decisions.

Wow. So, I used to think that the answer to all my problems was money. I mean maybe if me and my husband weren't fighting about the bills month after month things would get easier.

I know. Stupid.

I have to say this has been one of the hardest years of my life yet regardless of not having to really worry about money. Even though that part is nice. I mean I love that part but having a good amount of money does not fix everything. As a matter of fact I think that the stress from the job that makes that money is overwhelming. I know that sounds ridiculous but it is all I can do to not pull my hair out of my head.

So then there is the question about when this chapter of our lives should end. Should we continue to torture ourselves or should we take the risk? I mean it would cut our disposable income in almost half. That is extreme. But, all of our bills would be paid and we would finally be left alone. So, the question is is this a good life?

Tomorrow

What is something that you always thought would last starts to crumble? Why is it that you try so hard to understand but come up empty? A bed that used to be far too big suddenly becomes far too small? The words for better or worse come back to bite you in the ass. And the sad part is that the things we are arguing about are ridiculous.

I feel so left out sometimes. I mean I know that him working 24s is providing for me and I am thankful for that. However, sometimes I feel like he is leaving me behind. Like he doesn't care what I have to say. Doesn't care that I am sick, that I want alone time, that I should be a priority. But it's more than that. He's hateful and spiteful. He says things that he knows will get me. He attacks me where it hurts the most just because he knows that he can get away with it. It makes me so angry and makes me feel so worthless. I do not want this for myself. And the sad part is that I do not know if I have had enough to throw in the towel. I mean doing so would be easy enough. So why can't I? Why can't I move on? Find someone that is amazing? I mean is it so hard to believe that there might be someone out there that is better for me than this person that constantly attacks me? Constantly belittles me? Makes me afraid of my own shadow? How much longer before I know what I can achieve? How much longer before I look in the mirror one day and realize how much I am worth? Will it be tomorrow? What about the next time he belittles me for doing something differently than his way? Will it be when I am recerted? What about if I want kids one day? Am I going to want to have his children? God, this is the most screwed up situation ever. And the sad part is that tomorrow I will want to delete this post because he will make promises. Promises that will last no more than a day. Promises that will reassure me. But if they aren't kept and we both know that they are lies are they even promises to begin with? Is this God's plan for me? To be stuck with a man that really doesn't care if I live or die? Because that is certainly what it is feeling like.

And I am so tired of explaining the way that he treats me away! I make excuse after excuse when deep down I am frustrated that I do not have a husband that treats me with respect or dignity...Listening to love songs make me cry and watching sappy movies put me in a horrid mood because deep down I know. I am positive in the depths of my soul that my husband will never treat me like that. Will never look at me like that way. David Cooks new album is a sword through my very soul because I can't listen to the slow songs because I get angry that I have no one to share that with.

So now I am stuck. Do I deal with the stigma of ending this or do I pick up the pieces of this relationship we are supposed to be building and glue them together again? I know deep down that the glue will eventually fade and I will be left with a mess again. Do I have the guts to do what I really want to? What does everyone think?

Frustration gives way to understanding...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11


If anyone read my last blog then this one is a follow up. I just have to pour my heart out to someone. Looks like the internet is it.

I thought that what God did last night was an isolated incident however, this morning, while reading things on the internet, I stumbled across Jeremiah 29:11. This verse spoke to me and shook me to the core this morning. Plans...

Plans like he had for us last night, for my life this far. Plans...

Plans that he had when we were at rock bottom and barely making ends meet.Plans he had when my brother in law wrecked my car, Plans He had when every bad thing that came into my life happened to me.

If yesterday he cared enough to take Y.D.'s in Da Makin' trip to Kings Dominion that was messed up and turned it into something amazing and beautiful what will he do with my life? What amazingly horrible situations that I endure will he turn around to something beautiful?
These questions bare down on my soul like a pressure that no one can withstand. Lord, what is your amazing plan for me? What laughter, tears, joys, or concerns are coming my way? And if the Lord of the Universe puts them there then who am I to contest them? I am His. And without him, I could do nothing. I can only sit at my kitchen table today and smile.

Because I have backup. I have a God that will take whatever horrid that comes my way and twist it into something beautiful. I have a God that intends to make my life a healthy and happy one. So let them test me. I am sick of believing with 50% of myself. So here I am Jesus...

The power of my God.

As I write this I'm sitting in the car coming back from Kings fest. Now I could lie to you and tell you I was in a great mood but I wasn't. I was angry and irritated by some people. I did not want to leave early due to the rain. I did not want to miss the newsboys. I did not want to miss Chris Tomlin,I did not want to leave kingsfest. My group was whining because they didn't get starbucks, they were hungry, etc, etc. Then, we got off the Ashland exit. We went to Wendys. Everyone didn't want wendys. We wanted the McDonalds down the street. But we went in. I got in line. We were talking and then some random guy started talking to me. "You guys just come from Kingsfest?" He asked as he smilled at the group of grouchy roudy children I have surrounded myself with. "Yeah, but we had to leave early because of the crazy rain." He looked at me and smiled "that's crazy, were actually on our way to kings fest. Were playing there tomorrow." Now I did a double take. "Playing?" I did a double take... who were these dudes that I randomly began joking with in line? And why were they so chill with my banchee charges that assaulted them with lame jokes? I mean these 13 year old teens were telling the lamest jokes ever and, incorperated a pickup line... lol. Then, we learned their band name was Samestate. They were currently driving from event to event living in their white van until they made the big time. "Basically whoevers awake enough to drive and not kill anyone is the person behind the wheel." Said the man I would soon discover to be the lead vocalist. As we waited in line ( for over an hour I might add) everyone was talking about the disappointment of not getting to see the big name bands we missed. Samestate looked at each other and then, since they were ahead of me and had gotten their food. I didn't think anything more of it.

After scarfing down chicken nuggets and a baked potato and listening to more negativity I stared over to the guys from the bands table. They were coming over and talking to us randomly. And then something amazing happened.

I zoned out for the next 5 minutes and then, as I looked at the door I saw the guy I had been cutting up with carrying his guitar case. Followed by the drummer carrying a box to drum on, the steel guitar player with his homemade steel, two other guys with acoustics as well. Suddenly it hit me. They were a blessing sent from God.

That's right. They played a concert for us. In Wendys. While it poured down rain outside. The wendys that we didn't want to eat in. The teens that didn't want to leave the park.

To top it all the first song they sang was about trusting Jesus in the storm.

So after their concert I bought their c.d. and I happened to asked what their plans were in Virginia. The band manager goes "well were going to some small backwoods town to crash at a buddy of mines house" I asked where it was they were going just to be nosey. I nearly fell over as his next words came out...

"Some town called Waynesboro, were playing at his church on Sunday too." The crazy thing? The church they're playing at? My church. I am not lying. I couldn't make this up. They are this Sundays special music.

Then, the lead vocalist tells me how they ended up on Wendys and just about caused me to keel over.

The only reason they ate at Wendys that night was because his grandmother had given every member of the band a $25 gift card to Wendys. I was speechless.

In the mean time, I had placed my cell phone on the car charger. Hadn't played with it or anything and when I came back my phone background had been changed to the album cover of the cd I bought. You know, the one I bought? And the crazy thing we were the first to get that album. No one else had it, it was no where on the internet or I could not have accesed it in any way. As my nephew said "God hacked your phone, and I believe he works in hacking peoples technology." And my sister said "god works in mysterious ways.

After tonight there is zero doubts. God put us at the Ashland Wendys. He put Samestate at the Ashland Wendys. He saved us from our bad attitudes, our change of plans, ourselves. It was amazing. There are too many coincidences here to say God did not use his power in a mighty and impacting ways tonight.

"And if our God is for us then who can rise against us?"

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annoying

You know how there are somethings that annoy you to no end? And other people just don't get it? That is how I feel. I try to confide and explain how I feel and nobody listens or even attempts to care about how I feel. And its really getting fricken old. Im not saying this to be mean or rude or anything. I just get so tired of trying to express my feelings because nobody wantsk to listen. And I know I bitch about random things but who in the hell doesn't? I mean allot of times I am a very good listener. Heck I can even listen to the same story multiple times. I just wish I could express myself :-(

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you would think...

That I could get in the swing of getting up like this. Its super hard though and six am comes wayyy to early all too often. Now, granted I am back in bed curled up for a minute or two. Maybe that's why. Or maybe I haven't had a cup of coffee yet. I don't know why but 6 is way to early for me.

So vacation is over and the real life begins. The real life freaking sucks. I mean I like making money however its too fricken early... :)

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self realization

SO,

Vacation has been wonderful. This is our last day and after swimming in the ocean, dipping in the pool, and enjoying everything else that the ocean has to offer I can honestly say that I am excited to go home tomorrow. I miss my life. I mean yeah, I am going to be upset leaving the beach however, it is time for me to go back.

During this vacation it has occurred to me that there are somethings in my life that bother me. Things about me that I want to change. So, here is the list.

1. I am too accommodating. I give in to everyone and everything. It doesn't matter if my discomfort is too much to bear, as long as I am making everyone else happy then I am doing what needs to be done. This might sound stupid but I do this. I feel like I need to change this. I think I deserve better than this. And, that's the truth.

2. I give a Damn what other people think. I want others to like me. Maybe that is why #1 is what it is. I mean from the clothes I wear to the things I do I jump through hoops to fit in. I am kind of sick of that too. I mean it makes no sense however, I feel as though I am on this quest to prove myself to other people.

3. I view my life path in dollar signs vs. happiness. I think I went into this life thinking that the more money I make the happier I would be. I think that is utter bullsh*t. I need to learn that money does not always buy happiness. That I can be just as happy on $30k a year as I can be on $100K.

It's coming full circle!

Well, one year ago where were we? Our last trip to the beach brought definite confirmation that we would be sponsors, it brought Cody quitting Blue Ridge, It brought us gearing up for a move. It brought so many wonderful things. And this year? It brings the same amazing changes.

Even though we have no intention of quitting this job the husband has a full time other one. Taste and see that the Lord is good is one verse that I cannot help but quoting in this instance. God took us from not know where our future would take us to the greater understanding that everything was going to be okay.

So, the beach tomorrow. What am I looking forward to the most? The sand everywhere? The heat? Time alone with my husband? Sleeping in? Shopping? Dinning out? The Pool? The Lazy River? How about all of it. I really cannot wait! And I am not just saying that. I mean tomorrow when I get into the hotel and look around I don't know if I will be able to stand it. Hell, just getting into the car at 7am tomorrow morning knowing what the plan is and where I am ending up? That might be enough to give me a heart attack!

And might I mention the Gold Car is gone? We are going in the rx8! We are going to be unembarrased of our vehicle this year!!! I know that this sounds stupid but I am looking forward to it just being Cody and I and nobody else to worry about. I will be driving my car. Not anyone else. That way if something does happen I will not have flash backs panic attacks or regrets. Its my turn to drive! I think that I am also looking forward to it just being me and Cody. I think that it is going to be a thrill...This is the first vacation that is this long that we have taken ALONE since we got married. I actually think that this is the longest vacation that we have ever had alone. I mean do not get me wrong, family is amazing. BUT there is something to be said for only having to take care of Cody and Me. I am looking forward to it.

So I think that I am going to cut out. No blogging from the beach! I promise to be back with pictures soon!

<3 Sarah

woop... woop!

So now life is good right now. Rookie Blue comes on tonight, Cody just got off work, tomorrow is FRIDAY! which mean we leave for the beach in under 48 hours. Right now life is good. That is for right now.

Everytime I write a life is good post something comes and messes it up again. I mean I know that it sounds corney but even when I am here alone I worry my head off that someone is going to come to my front door and accuse me of doing something that I really did not do. I think the thing that gets me the most is that most everyone behind these accusations knows that they are complete crap. They are working for a broken system and I completely hate it! I mean why am I under scrutiny for something that I did not do. Why do I feel guilty for sitting down and taking two seconds for myself when everything is fine wondering if someone is going to come and be mean to me? I do not think that I deserve to live this way. I mean I am all for ensuring that someone's quality of life however, where do you draw the line between adding to someone else quality while destroying mine. That is how I feel. Like my life doesn't matter. I am a causality as long as I please everyone else. I am really tired of that.

Sometimes I just don't know.

Hurrrmmmph.... That one little sound describes my whole mood at the moment. Kind of undecided if that is a good thing or a bad one. I know it sounds ridiculous but that is the only way that I know to express it.

So, I can finally announce that Cody was offered full time at work and he accepted it. We are thrilled about this. It finally means that he has made it. He has a job vs. a career. He is paying the bills by working as an EMT. YAY!

Then there is the fact that I am starting the hiring process again. The last person that I really liked actually was not a fit at all as far as respite goes. She's a good person but totally overloaded with her kid. Not a good combination for me. But, the search goes on. I have 12 applicants so far. This is really difficult because I am typically a nice person so picking is going to be near impossible for me.

Throw in a fiasco today during orientation, getting one of my clients ready for a home trip, cleaning, packing,

Vacation in two days, Kings fest the week after that, Job interviews that same week.... hmmm, maybe I should have learnt how to juggle before demanding to throw firely knives of death. Either way this will always work out. And, if it doesn't then it is not meant to be. I know that sounds corny but that is about how I feel.

I have to admit that I hate living in this house. I mean everyone is nice but I am terrified that I am going to round the corner and find someone work related there without setting up an appointment. It happens all the time. I mean I knew there would be unannounced visits however, I hate them more every day. It kind of insults me. I mean they wouldn't want me to show up at their office and demand an appointment randomly. So why do they insist on doing this to me. All I know is that I hate it. I hate analyzing everything that goes on in my home. I mean yes, I am glad that everyone is concerned but for shitz sake leave us alone so that we can function the way that we need to. It's a little too much sometimes.

Better Days.

Today is beautiful. Even though it is cloudy. As a matter of fact the past 4 days have flown by. My week with Juliet has been uneventful sans a few scratches and hives. I am going to miss her when she goes back to Mom at the end of this week. Maybe one day I will look into having a dog like her. Just not right now.

A storm is blowing in as I sit on the deck and write this. It figures God would choose the day that dad is getting his pool filmed to bring this nasty weather into this area. =) But then again I need to be thankful for the many things that I have been blessed with.

Yesterday at the lake was totally one of those days that I will never forget =)

You can dye your roots but they will still be there.

I have been contemplating where I belong in life. I know, I know. It's silly. But all during high school I didn't fit in with a particular group. And then, senior year, when I really did hit my stride it was all over with. So, where do I fit in in this life that I am blessed with. All I can think about is what I knew for 20 of my 22 years. I grew up on a farm. Does that make me country? Perhaps? I have no idea. I enjoy our house we have now which in the city. Does that make me a city slicker? I seriously doubt that one. Anyways. I don't know the answer to this one =)

So, meeting today. One that I really didn't get to schedule and its at my house. How convenient!? You mean I don't have to leave my home to have a work function? Awesome... They didn't even let me have input of date or time?! WTF!? Some times I feel like people have forgotten that this is my house. Not a place for them to come and go as they please. I have to live here too. I mean I get the importance of my home being a reasonably safe and clean place however, I do not think that it is fair to me to have meetings here. I know that meetings are part of this job and I do not mind attending them however, I feel like I do not have a space that is my own. I know that this is a ridiculous dilemma that might not make complete sense to everyone but step into my shoes for even a week and you will suddenly see that it is almost overwhelming at times. And yes, I love my job and am thankful to be gainfully employed. I feel like we are doing work that is important and life changing however, I feel like having these meetings at my house is unnecessary.

That's all for now... Oh yeah btw. 10 days until a full week of sandy South Carolina beach.

Come Home. Come Home.

There is a point in your life where you have to decide if all the drama some people bring is worth it. Is it worth walking into a home and feeling as though you never measure up? Is it worth it to feel replaced? Is it worth feeling as though you are second fiddle? Leftout? Alone? No. I do not think so. I feel as though all my life I have been trying to find myself. Almost as though I am in a maze of mirrors. These 22 years have not been a picnic in the park. I have chased rainbows to find no pot of gold at the end, I have accomplished things that have made me completely happy, I have defied the odds, and now I think that I am living a good life. A life that we have made for ourselves. One that we could be proud of. So why would I let anyone mess that up? Why would I let anyone make me feel less of the person that I am? Because I had a crazy past? Because occasionally I enjoy a mixed drink? Because I now know the line between a good time and craziness?

No.

If anything these people should come to the realization that I have started to find myself. I have come to the realization that the only person that I have to make happy is God. Myself. And perhaps my husband. Family accepts you for who you really are. They don't whisper quietly about you behind your back. They don't not invite you because you are an embarrassment. They are right there. In the pool beside you. Laughing at you. Laughing with you. and talking about it for weeks to come. That is my life. And really I don't need anything else to make me happy.

wow... okay.

All of my posts seem to be in the negative vein lately. I am going to change that. Positive thinking! Positive thinking! Ooops! That did not seem to work. How come all that can spurt out of my mouth is negativity late.

frustrated.

This post is in the vein of the other one that I had the other day. only this time the circumstances are different. I feel like I have to say this. No judgment later on or anything but I do get frustrated when I think about the sudden changes in plans that seem to come with this lifestyle. I mean I get that they are necessary however, I feel like there might be some pride in actually calling ones life before accepting a shift. Of course that is just how I feel... I am just the wife.

One of the things that I need to do is laundry.

It don't matter to the sun...

Sometimes I have to remind myself that the life of an emergency services worker is worth it. I feel as though every time I attempt to make a plan I cant because he changes them. I am blessed to have a wonderful husband, supportive of me and my dreams. More so than allot of people that I know in my life. But I have to admit it hurts. I sometimes get jealous. Every time I hear a siren I turn around wondering if I can catch a glimpse of him. I know its ridiculous. And yet I still do it. I mean this was supposed to be a relaxed Saturday but it didnt work out. How many times have you ever used those words "it didn't work out."

I know that I typically use them at least twenty times a week. I find myself at a crossroads. There are so many things that I want to do, so many people that I want to see but because of my husbands schedule I have to choose between seeing him or going and seeing others. Often times he wins and when he doesn't? I feel guilty the whole time that I am with the other people. I think to myself that there is some mistake. I shouldn't have to choose. Should I? I mean I knew that this life would be rough. That it would be lined with circumstances. That there were going to be moments like this. But I feel like I always am feeling guilty these days. I mean how do I choose between my husband and my other friends and family?How do I balance this life with everything else? How do I accept the weekends that I spend by myself because he is volunteering? How do I deal with the pressure that comes from doing this job by myself while he chases his dream? How do I cope when I go out in public and see guys with EMS shirts on with their families? Or is this one of their rare days? The ones that I beg for? Somehow I do not know if the begging for a day where we run errands together or go shopping is something that is normal in this life. How am I supposed to know if it is? I do not come from a family that has this kind of background. What is normal? How will I know when I have found it? Does it involve him actually coming home and spending time with me? Or is this it? Is this the new normal?

I mean I know that Cody is only doing what is best for me. Providing for me. Making a future for us. But does it have to be this hard? Do we always have to choose between each other and everything else? I feel like his everything else is his work, volunteering, and EMS in general. And I feel like he ALWAYS chooses lights and sirens over me. And for once. I think I have realized that he needs them. More than he would ever need me. And the scary part is. I do not think that I am okay with waiting around on him to decide if they are me are more important... This is the man I love, the man I married, and yet, I feel as though I'm fighting against him every day. I just want to let go and let him decide. But I'm afraid to. Because I know what his choice would be...

You say you gotta go and find yourself
You say that you're becoming someone else
Don't recognize the face in the mirror looking back at you

You say you're leaving as you look away
I know there's really nothing left to say
Just know I'm here whenever you need me I'll wait for you

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me

Take your time, I won't go anywhere
Picture you with the wind in your hair
I'll keep your things right where you left them
I'll be here for you

Oh and I'll let you go, I'll set your free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me

And I hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you, come back to me

I can't get close if you're not there
I can't get inside if there's no soul there
I can't face you, I can't save you
It's something you'll have to do

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me
Come back to me

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me

And I hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you, come back to me

You find you, come back to me
When you find you, come back to me
When you find you, come back to me

WHOAH! I've been busy!

Today has been insane! I feel like I have accomplished SO much! Here's a list:

1. Got a client up, dressed, and off to day support.
2. Changed out all the monthly documentation stuff in my daily binder
3. Tanned (THE FULL 12!!!!!)
4. Reorganized the other clients financial folder
5. Went to walmart for a quick shopping trip to pick up some things.
6. Finished a financial form (THIS IS NO SMALL FEAT!)
7. Had a lovely conversation with my sister.
8. Called and set up an appointment with the Lovely Phoenix construction company to come out and give us an estimate.
9.m

Now I am waiting on the dishwasher guy to get here. He has 20 more minutes until I call Lowes and raise cain and Abel too. I hate waiting. Especially for something that has been broken since not this Friday but last. I am so ready to cook a big ole meal and then load down the dishwasher and let it do all the dirty work for me. Although I hate that the one that we have died. I really liked it. It was super quiet, did the job right, and I really don't know if it were energy efficient or not. But I miss a dish washer period. Perhaps we could figure out what is wrong with the old one and hotwire it into some crazy dishwasher bodied robot. Or perhaps I could just kiss it goodbye and let it go to the dumpster. I think that I choose that option

WOOO HOOO!

So, its official! Me and my sisters have planned another AMAZING night out on the town! I cannot tell you how excited I am! We are going to see Chris Young in Concert at the Rockingham County Fair. I am super stoked! I feel like summer is finally here!!!

Rather than that we have just been relaxing and laying low here at the house. I have a supervision tomorrow to see how our organizing has been going. It has been going well. I have to say that the office is pretty well organized. Although weekly supervisions can be a drag I am hoping that this one will fly by and not be a whole day thing. I went and tanned today and need to go and do so again tomorrow to start building a tan for the beach. I'm also getting a new dishwasher tomorrow which means I have to be here while the guy installs it. But after a week of washing everything by hand you will not hear me complain! I cannot wait to get it installed! Hopefully it will be as quiet as the old one but there's no way to tell until it is here! Cannot wait.

And, if I have not mentioned it before our beach trip is June the 25th through July 2nd! That is going to be so much fun!!!!

That's all for now! I need to go and do a bit of cleaning =)

Lazy Days.

While it is nice to have a lazy day I am growning rather sick of them. Of course the fact that I am just trying to wiz through the month of June to get to the vacation at the end does not help matters! I am going to the beach!!!!! I am so excited. Although I get kind of nervous about the place that we are staying at because of all the mixed reviews that it has gotten. I mean the majority of the ones that have been recently posted are wonderful, everyone swears by it. However, then there are a few that make me cringe to think about. I hope that it turns out okay and that we have a lovely stay. I know that I could use it!

playing dress up.

Do you ever feel like you are playing dress up?like you don't belong? I swear that's how I feel.

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So...

I feel the need to write some non specific thing about a nonspecific person. So, this is all very non specific. About no one that you know, if you think you are this person you aren't. The person is NOT SPECIFIED.

So... Here is what I have to say. I tried to be nice. I tried to say only the positive attributes of you. I tried to build you up but in reality.... I think you are a trashy whore. Thats right. That is what I really think about you, Ms. Non- Specific person. W-H-O-R-E. Man, hows that for respectful? I think its very respectful.

Further more, I think it is ridiculous that I am having to write this like that but then again I guess I am taking pointers from you. So this is as good as it gets. This is the only time that I will air this but I need to.

You prance around acting like you are perfect like there is nothing wrong with you. In real life, you are an embarrassment that I tolerate because I have to. Nothing more. But then again the link is an embarrassment as well..

And you think that you get to run your mouth about me like I wont know your running it? I think that I have done this a time or two more than you have. So watch your back. Since you stuck a knife in mine I will be looking forward to being able to return the favor.

the truth hurts

Maybe its just me. Maybe I am too nice of a person. I bend over backwards for people.I feel like I do everything and then I get trashed. I'm so tired of feeling like this. So tired of being the responsible one. The one that works her ass off for everything. Doing other peoples work and then letting them claim it as their own. And when they have to figure out one or two small things on their own they have a hissy fit. I do it all. I'm a people pleaser. I push myself to the point i can't breathe. It hurts. It more than hurts... its an open wound that's been festering for awhile. It hurts. I'm so tired of being duped.

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On A Mission...

Our mothers day swah ray was picked to be on a mission from our company which was really awesome! That kind of made my day.


So today is Cody's day off and neither him nor I have really done anything together to spend time. We have vegged and done some paperwork but nothing more. I am strangely okay with that. Even though I desperately want Chick fil a for lunch. Maybe if I could get out of my pj's we could go there. That is the beauty of being able to work at home. You get lazy days but then there are super busy days on top of them. It is definitely a plus to it.

I am so glad that Scotty won American Idol last night but I hate the fact that this season was over. I guess that I have the Voice to look forward to. That and Rookie Blue coming back on. Oh yeah and vacation!!! We are booked at the Ocean Sands club Resort for the beach. I cannot wait for a week of paradise! Poolside bar, mai tai in my hand and a lazy river.... This makes me Super Happy.

So, its off my bum to decide if I want chickfila.....

Good Days.

Today was a good day....

Had a supervision that went really well, got to have lunch with my mother, got to see my dad, and my sister, and finally had a wonderful conversation with my husband. Now I am watching American Idol. And I really want Scotty to win but if Lauren wins then I will be okay. Because one reality tv show is not enough to get me down.

Summers around the corner and I just cant wait!

I don't feel like this is home...

Its hard for me right now. I am totally hormonal and upset as I write this but somehow the words are driving themselves out of me. I feel as though my house is no longer a home. There for a long time I was comfortable here. I even called it home.And I guess that it still does carry that name. But somethings wrong. I feel under the microscope. Every move I make is watched. I can't laugh, can't cry, can't show any emotion. It's ridiculous. I feel trapped. My husband wants me to be happy and supports me in saying this. How can this be a home when I can't express myself? I feel expressionless. But somehow I feel like I'm being admitted. When does this end? I do not really know... I love this job and every part of it but I do not feel like I have a voice when it comes to my own house and that scares me.

So Frustrated

So today the husband drops the bomb on me that he doesn't want to go on vacation this year. He would rather save the money were getting back on disney and not go anywhere. I want to go somewhere. I want to vacation and have a good summer. We go through this every year. He fights me tooth and nail about vacay and then makes crappy remarks after I plan the trip all the way through the trip. It hurts. I mean I get in the past that we weren't financially stable to take a trip but now? I feel like we deserve one. I mean I work sun up to sun down and yet I do not get a break? He doesn't care what I want though. Its sad to think that I pulled this money from my dream trip and yet I do not get a vacation this year... all he cares about is working his ems shifts and looking at pictures of ems stuff on the internet. I am sick of this!

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ARGGH

Well... Today is not a good day. Period. First off I am sick... Like puking and stomach cramp sick. Chills, Runny Nose, Sore Throat. You name it I have it and just can't seem to get rid of it.

And it always seems that whenever I am sick everything explodes regarding work. I mean its just hard for me to cope with everything when I am not feeling well. If anything I just want to go back to sleep today. I mean our job gives us the freedom to do that when no clients are home which is great. And I think I would sleep all day IF....

Our next door neighbors stopped using our culdesac loop as a super speed way!

I mean its really hard to sleep when you hear people driving around outside and then car doors slamming. IT actually has been a peeve I have had regarding this house from the very beginning. Although I like to think that no matter what house we live in we would have this very same problem. Or at least one of a similar caliber. That is just how my life goes.

Oh did I mention that my dishwasher is broken? So I am washing everything by hand again? I WANT MY DISHWASHER BACK! No. I am not being idiotic or stupid. I just want to be able to cut the joyous handwashing of dishes back out of my life.

FINALLY.....

Hazmat practicals are done!!! Praise GOD! I thought that they would never end. I think its just as much hell on the firefighters family as it is on him. I mean Saturday I get but SUNDAY?!? That was just a little extreme. One more hazmat class on Tuesday and it is all over! BOO YAH!

Sad...

It's sad that history is repeating itself. Sad that I try to warn people. Sad that they don't listen. Sad that I am right.I would give anything and everything to help that person. Anything to wind back time. But I can't. I took a stand for what I believed in. I believed that she was using him. I believed that continuing on with him when he went back into a relationship was enabling. It's so sad that she did it again. I feel sorry for him. Even though I attempted to cut ties I still wish him all the best.

Oh and the cat kept me up like all night. He kept running up and down the halls making me think that there was some creeper in our house or something. Kind of pathetic I know... From now on the cat goes into the basement. PERIOD.

And, as far as vacationing goes I am not sure what we are going to do this year. I am thinking three days in Williamsburg (mid week) and then 4 at Virginia Beach. I just do not necessarily want to go out of the state at this point. There is something about knowing that we are within 3 hours of the guys if they need anything...

Well, that is all for now. I am going to continue vacation browsing!

Training... GRRRR...

Well, it happened.

Our first training "heated discussion". I was thrilled to hear that Tuesday is his last hazmat class. I mean that ends the fire fighter one training that we have been working through. Every Tuesday and Thursday I can't plan anything because he is in class. Any other firefighter's wives have this problem? It is frustrating to me. I mean I understand the need to train and I think it's important.I just think it is better if we take a month off from classes and training. I mean I can handle it If need be however I feel like I have no choice in the matter. He is going to take the class whether I like it or not and I do not think that is a partnership. I feel as though he tells me he is taking a class instead of asking. I think that he understood where I was coming from and he did apologize. I just find it ridiculous that he wanted to be that bullheaded.

His first day of training went really well. He said he really enjoyed himself and I am glad that he did. He goes back tomorrow for another session. It's almost surreal that he is actually getting to do what he loves for a living.

That's all for now. I have gotta work on changing my blog profile because blogger somehow messed it up.

Im just sitting out here watching airplanes

Have you ever noticed when you are dreding something that day comes faster? Like today for instance... i mean todays not a big deal. Our super is coming to organize chart and we have a q. But it adds up. Codys at work. Which means its one of those silent days. I dont mind him working i just feel like a part of me is missing. Isnt that weird? I mean i know i will get used to this routine soon. Its just new. Heck, he isnt even outta training yet. Somehow i know i have got miles to go and right now im in a transitional period. Graduation, Codys new job, handing the household by myself. Each one is nothing by its self. But throw them together in a mixing bowl with each other, a knee injury, and bam! Youve got a semi stressful situation. But im up for it... i think

Other things are changing in my life. People who i swore were perfect together are calling it quits. Three couples to be exact. And i totally understand their feelings and i support each and every one of them. If they are unhappy then this is what to do. But it hurts. That fairytale we all believe in, the magic that keeps us moving on, sometimes it doesnt work out. I guess ill always hear about broken fairytales. But its okay. I really feel sometimes the only way to start a new life is to have a broken failytale before. Anywyas, i love em all. They are amazing people and ill do whatev i have to to support them :)

Well back to life :(

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N?Bzz.I

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This is it...

Today, I graduate from BRCC. No more classes in V then running across campus to make on in D. No more sitting in Professor Crocketts, Lewanes, Capuano, Ellers, and Johnston's class rooms. No more cafeteria food from the Blue Heron Cafe. No more kidding around with friends, knowing the inside jokes, meeting new people. We're done. Class of 2011. You know what? I think that this is the first time I have actually been overly proud of myself. Highschool graduation was no big deal. Everyone does that. But this is something that I did for me. Something that I can be proud of. Did I mention I am the first person from my dad's side to graduate college? Period? Talk about an intense amount of pressure. But I think I am up for it.

My family means everything to me. From my highs to my low's. They have been there to cheer me on... So have my friends. So even though this chapter of my life is officially closed today they are a theme that will be woven throughout every chapter. I am grateful for that...

So, this is the story of a girl. Born in a Small town. Who stay's true to herself. Who's determined to make something of herself. Who will not stop, will not rest. Will not be discouraged. She's going places. And if you want to come along please do! If not, don't hold her back!

changes

So my life is perpetually changing. First graduation, then the husbands new job, and finally added stress from family drama. This blog is supposed to be about the story of me. How i handle adversity, overcome it even. But i cant help but wonder sometimes if all this adversity is for a reason or just to grate against my nerves. Whatever the reason is that the adversity is there it is. And then just when you feel like you're going to completely drown the clounds part and the waves subside and you feel like you can breathe again.i'm at that spot today.

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You might be an EMTS wife if...

So, I dont think that it had sunk in when Cody said he had training all this week just how lonely I'd be. I guess I just got used to him being here with me all the time. I mean I really relied on him. And now, that he's gone I realize just how much I do. Now don't get me wrong. I am not one of those crazy women who cannot do anything without consulting her better half. I am instead kind of jolted out of a daily routine that I have gotten very used to. I think that this is the first week that there have been so many schedule things going on since we started this job. Tuesday- Friday he is working, then Saturday is my graduation, and Sunday is my party at dads. Next week looks better though.

Another reason you know that you are an EMT's wife is that he comes home and goes straight to bed. He is obviously exhausted and I feel sorry for him. But then again I think that this will be good for him. All we know regarding scheduling is that he is working Wednesday and Friday next week and the week afterwards to get his training in and then he will get offered shifts via text message! Pretty cool! Huh?

So rather than that I am sitting here watching cruddy daytime tv waiting to start the next round of pick ups and drop offs. I guess the good thing about today is that I get to see my sisters tonight! That always make things better!

These are the days that I remember

There are some days that just click. Today is one of them. I feel good about myself today. I did the whole morning routine by myself. Started the dishwasher, cleaned up the living room, got a load of clothes in the washer, transported. I feel good about everything. I really enjoy being at home. I cannot wait to take a little break from school even though my second class at Lu starts the end of June. I think this one class at a time thing is something that I could get used to. Especially considering that I have time now. I like doing things at home. There is something about being home every day that is comfortable to me. I love doing school from my bed. Its comfortable and it fits me well.

So here I am, 4 years after high school. Getting ready to graduate again. Some people say that community college isnt that big of a deal. It has a kinda stigma to it. But I do not even think that this graduation thing is about graduating. I think this to me is more of a celebration. A celebration that I followed my heart, everyone said I wouldn't make it but I did. My marriage, my family, everything. I did what many people believe to be impossible.

I did it.

I will stand by you...

It's like a storm
That cuts a path
It breaks your will
It feels like that
You think you're lost
But you're not lost on your own,
You're not alone

I will stand by you,
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
and you can't cope
I will dry your eyes,
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
and I won't let go

It hurts my heart to see you cry
I know its dark this part of life
Oh it find us all and we're to small
to stop the rain
Oh but when it rains

I will stand by you,
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
and you can't cope
I will dry your eyes,
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
and I won't let you fall

Don't be afraid to fall
I'm right here to catch you
I won't let you down
It won't get you down
You're gonna make it
I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you,
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
and you can't cope
I will dry your eyes,
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
and I won't let go

Oh I'm gonna hold you

and I won't let go
Won't let you go

No I won't

This song is for a very special woman. I love you. I look up to you. I am blessed to have you around. =)

Fun Fun...

I had an amazing time with my sisters last weekend! (don't forget David Lee either!) Me and Danielle won tickets to the Friday night race then turned around and hocked them! It was AWESOME! Not to mention toasting everyone in site. It was awesome. I am more sad that it is over...

But time marches on. I want to plan another girls weekend sometime soon...

This weekend.

I cannot tell you how much this weekend meant to me. It was a really good time! And the best part? Next weekend I get to have a good time with my mom and brother! I am excited about that! I never thought that I would like a Nascar Race. I was hesitant when it came to going because I typically don't watch Nascar. I do not know that is normal but after going in person I cannot wait to go again or watch one on TV. I think it was so much fun! My sister got a tatoo this weekend and I am considering one as well. I cannot decide but i would want to get one just like hers ;) we could be twins... haha... just kidding!

So, I have been getting allot of restricted calls on my phone. That is harassment as well and I hope that the people that read this blog stop doing it. We are not high schoolers. Lets be adults.

So, my final exam for Math is Tuesday and I have so much work to do to finish that class. But I keep pushing... I can do it!!!!

Rather than that this will be a short post. <3

Sarah

Really good day...

My husband got his new job! This was my last official Tuesday of classes at Blue Ridge, My dad fixed the camper, and, I am reading a really good book. Its official! I am having a really good day. I feel productive. You know? Maybe like one of those Keebler elves or something. The clouds are starting to part and for once I feel like I can see the horizon... Nothing can bring me down!

*trips on a stick*

Opps! I knocked on wood.

Happy Easter...

Just wanted to say Happy Easter! Please pray for my nephew Josh.

<3

Sarah

Today is not the same...

So i thought it would be beautiful today. Considering it got up to 82 yesterday I assumed today would be equally as beautiful. Man was I WRONG! I mean do not get me wrong. 62 is lovely. however when I wear capris, and a t shirt and DO not bring a jacket I panic regarding the weather. Maybe it is because D109 is an ICEBOX. I have had 4 classes in that room and I froze in EVERYONE of them. So, if you are a new student to Blue Ridge let me encourage you. Regardless of how warm it is outside. BRING A JACKET. D109 is like a refrigerator. It doesnt matter how warm it gets in there it is still going to be cold.

American Idol last night was close. I have to say that I am conflicted about who to vote for. While I am a Scotty fan through and through I do not think that his performance measured up to everyone elses. I mean do not get me wrong! He did an amazing job however, James performance kicked Scotties butt. I realize that it is too late to vote but if I had to choose someone it would be James.

So, rather than that I can honestly say I feel as though God is teaching me patience. I still have not heard back regarding a previous situation but I need to learn to be content no matter the situation. This is hard for me. Even though I have been reassured that we will be receiving another contract offer I struggle. Even when an accusation is false I apologize. I find myself to be the person that give and gives to others in order to make them happy but at the end of the day I have nothing left to enjoy myself. This is a part of my life that definitely needs work. I need to learn to not apologize and awfullize and to learn that apologies are unnecessary if I have nothing to say "sorry" for.

I've still got allot of leavin' left to do.

So, I just need to get this all out in the open.

Last Saturday as me, Danielle, and Joie were stuffing easter eggs we decided to use coupons to Suntan city to go and get spray tans and lay. It was a spur of the moment thing. We even asked Pam if she wanted to go. She didn't want to BUT we offered. It wasn't that we excluded anyone. It was simply something that we wanted to do and so we did it. We called David Lee to see if he wanted to go with us. We were not going to be spiteful and hateful to anyone... Fast forward a couple of days.

Today my sister Lorie is mad because we didn't invite her to go. She wants to claim that she always gets left out. Well, the truth of the matter is that the reason she is left out because she doesn't come around. I know for a fact that she knew that we were stuffing easter eggs on the date that we were and she did not come. Now, I am the bad guy because I did not go out of my way to invite her.

Well, if you want my take here it is. I do not care if you don't agree with me. I am entitled to my opinion.

I have traveled a long LONG road regarding dad and his family. I didn't even think that me returning to the family would cause this drama. But all of a sudden I went from feeling as though I only had one support system (my mom and her amazing family) to two. Suddenly I had picnics and cookouts, weddings and birthdays, baptisms and sadly funerals to go to from my dad's side. AND I love every minute of it. God is faithful to give us the desires of our heart. Even when we do not know what those desires are. He has revealed to me that my desires are to be the best daughter, sister, aunt, etc. etc. that I can be. But another desire of my heart is to have no drama. To be content with who I am. To make no apologies when I do nothing wrong. That is a desire I have. Because at the end of the day the persons that I have to make happy are me and God.

So I have done NOTHING wrong. I have not purposely excluded anyone from anything. If IO wanted to I could have but I didn't. I am not at fault here. Excuse me for having a life. Excuse me for refusing to compromise in what I believe. And get over it.

So, Lorie, I am sorry if my actions have hurt you. That was never my intention. But do not sit on your couch running your mouth about me and more IMPORTANTLY my family. If me and Joie and Danielle want to tan then we are going to. If we WANT to go somewhere together we are going to. Do not patronize or victimize yourself. I never saw in the rule book where I had to have all my sisters together to do something. Never. I mean if that were the case then I would not know any of you because you are never EVER at dad's when I go to visit. I cannot live my life to please you. And if that upsets you, I am sorry. But I have to live my life. I cannot sit around waiting for it to be convenient for everyone to spend time with my family. Because at the end of the day, we all know the truth. We all know that you are playing the victim here because you can. And then, you want to run your mouth on facebook. Facebook is not the place for it. If you have unresolved issues then be the bigger person and message me instead of letting the whole world see it. It is ridiculous that you want to get other people involved in this drama that you have created. And, I am NOT falling prey to it. So, if you hate me, hate me. It's no skin off of my nose. As a matter of fact I think I have lived 21 years of my life without you and I think that living the rest of it that way will not be a stretch. But, I feel sorry for you. Sorry that you will not get to know me as the sincere and genuine person that I am, sorry that when the time comes you will not get to see your nieces and nephews that me and Cody have, sorry that you won't be there for day to day. But you have made your choice and I will not allow you to bring your DRAMA into my life... I love you sis but I will not go down this road with you.

So,,, 6 more classes.

That's it? Seriously?! Wow. How am I going to deal with not being a BRCC student anymore? I have no clue...

Today they sat up inflatables out on the lawn. Fun Fun. The Same lawn that I am going to be graduating on in like 4 weeks. Crazy.

Right now I really cannot form thoughts. There is so much going on with my life and at the moment I am not sure if that is a good or a bad thing. I am kind of ready for the slow pace of summer. I think that I might take an LU online class this summer just so that I can say I am doing something with all the time I entend to waste.

So, all of my sisters and I are packing up and leaving town for a girls weekend with dad not this weekend but next and I must say that I am excited to be having this time with them all! They rock and they really give me strength. My whole family does though. From my sisters, to nieces, to brothers, to mom, to dad, and everyone in between. Thanks for that strength.... Maybe even the stubborness that runs through my veins!

Sisters...

bitterness.

Its so hard for me to not be a bitter person! I mean I should know that there are going to be hard times in my life because of others. So why is it hard for me to be nice to them?

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Time.

Time is my worst enemy these days. It's like waiting for the other shoe to drop. On one side I want to know results, on the other, I just simply want it to be over. I want us to get on with our lives. I want some answers. I want them now.

But I instead keep myself busy. Thinking up every project that I can undertake to make things better. Thinking of things that I can do with either outcome. Cross stiching. Studying for this next test, checking my email a bazillion times a day... Waiting... Hoping...

Have you ever waited for something for so long that you are sick and tired of waiting? Its like a proverbial cloud hanging over your head and you do not know how to get rid of it.

I WANT IT GONE.

And the verdict is...

Not the worst day of my life. No where near close. but it was hard. =/ It's okay though =)

It is Well...

"When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll, WHATEVER MY LOT thou has taught me to say, It is well, It is well, with my soul."

I am Well. I am strong. I know that typically feelings I should be having before a day like this are ones of self doubt, dread, stress. But those feelings have faded. All I can think about is old weathered hands holding a Bible and still coming to church. All I can think about is the man who just lost everything and still takes a knee to thank God for what is spared. All I can think about is the people in Japan, Haiti, the Projects. The Homeless, The Lost, the people that are dying alone.

How selfish am I?

What has led me to this realization?

How can I change who I am?

"I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength."

Some things? Just minor things? Just unimportant things?

ALL THINGS.

I think that I have finally come to the conclusion that God has a plan. This plan superceeds every plan that I come up with. Every want, need, desire I have matters not. Because when I look back over my story, and I see the way that God has led me through the snake pits, and valleys I will be overly thankful. My savior has a plan. Right now his plan might be scaring me. But there is a peaceful righteousness that one has knowing that the God of the Universe has a plan for me! He took time when he could have been doing something else, creating something magnificent and made the plan for my life. I don't know what that plan is yet, and you know, I may never know. The greatest part of this plan is that I do not have to worry about the ending. It has already been written.

I think the biggest thing that has put this into perspective for me is a friend of mine. On facebook his status read something to the effect of "Having a bad week." I posted back underneath telling him all my woes and come to find out that his mother is starting chemo again. I felt horrible. I could not imagine the pain of that. Of fighting to have your mother here. And yet I want to complain about a situation that is going to resolve itself? How petty am I?

Don't answer that. I know the answer already.

So it is well Lord. It is well.

If you want to close any chapters in my life you do it. If you want to push me in a new direction you do it. If you want to make something wonderful out of me here I am. Use me.

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable

And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table

No one can find the rewind button, girl.

So cradle your head in your hands

And breathe... just breathe,

Oh breathe, just breathe

This song has really spoke to me tonight. Breathe, Just Breathe. Tomorrow is going to be an intense day to say the least but if I can just breathe I will be fine. Tomorrow is going to end just as today has (the day before has already drawn to an end) so why sweat it. It isn't like I have anything to prove. I know that there is a reason for everything.

I do have a bit of good news to share. My husband has an interview for a job Monday at 11am. It would be nice to have this job in order to put money in the bank. I know that he works so hard to make me happy and I am aware of that. Working as an EMT is a dream for him. He has wanted this for so long and has put it on the back burner to provide for me. I would love it if he could have the chance to do this. I mean I know that it would add to the stress of our lives and would make me more responsible for things at the house. But I am okay with that. Maybe that is what we need. Its time for him to do something that he loves for a living. I know it would be insane hours for him but he knows that too and he still wants it!

Snap back to reality...

I have hid out three hours from home for the last two days. I guess I thought I could escape them. I know I can't. It was a valid try anyways.and I did have a wonderful trip :) so now comes the hard part. This upcoming week could very well be the hardest of my life. I think im ready though :)

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better days are gonna come.

Today I am strangely optimistic. My life is good. Even if the neighbors did argue until 3am. I am tired of living in the city but I know that right now I really do not have a choice. Im okay with that. So im tired of blogging right now and have decided a break for a day or two maybe what I need.

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How to save a life...

What if it's your life and you are trying to save it? What if you scream for air, stuck near the surface of a lake. Trapped. At first you say its the other people. The ones that are dead weight and dragging you back into the lake bottom mire. "They did this to me. They are what is stopping me. I hate them. I HATE THEM! I HATE THEM!!!" You scream as you float. You thrash your fists, waste your oxygen on trying to be nice. Try bribing them to convince them to let you go. But they don't! They keep demanding. Keep manipulating. Keep right on not caring.

At this moment in your life you have to make a decision. You have to decide if your life is worth saving. If the things that the other people are juxtaposing on you are true. If their hate and accusations are worth a chapter in your life. If this story is about them or you. These people don't care if you tell them you are drowning. They can't. They are inhuman. Incapable of using their brain and the good sense that the Almighty God gave them. So there you are, under water, stuck. Because of their actions.

What can you do? How can you fix this? It's easy.

STOP FLOATING AND FIGHT.

Fight their chains of bitterness, Kick off the binds of requirements. Refuse to accept the gag of civility. FIGHT IT ALL. You've never fought before? You might look like an idiot if you fight?!? But wont you look like an equally stupid idiot if you drown under all their demands? Better an idiot with a life than a dead idiot.

And let me tell you something. When you break the surface, when you finally have told the whole world that you are not a push over, that breath you take, when you can finally stop fighting, when you can just be thankful to be alive. THAT MOMENT IS WORTH IT ALL.

Don't get sucked under again either. Do your part to guard against these people. Don't loose a good friend because of bitterness. Do your part.

How to Save a Life.

a short one

So, I probably don't have time for this morning. But I am going to make time for myself. Because its important to do so. Today is so gloomy compared to others. But its still a blessing. I refuse to refer to in any other way. So here I sit. Waiting. That is honestly the hardest part of my job. Waiting for the phone to ring. But I am doing it. Waiting for this 3 ring circus to pack up and life to get back to normal. Waiting for my wondering to be over. What will happen to us? Is this really supposed to be?

A church billboard spoke to me yesterday. Its statement was:
"Waiting for tomorrow? Jesus is already there."

That meant allot and kinda helped me to simmer down.

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Jesus Bring the Rain

What can I say? I am sick of it. I am sick being asked the same question 70 times! Do you think that I am going to change my mind? Do you think I am stupid? No. I can tell you what I am am

I am strong.

I am determined.

I am a daughter of the King.

I am in love with a wonderful husband.

I work hard.

I am a sister.

I am steadfast.

I will not waiver in my belief or in truth.

I know what has happened and will happen.

Sometimes I just need to remind myself of these things. I mean starting down this road God never promised there wouldn't be trials. He never promised freedom from persecution. So this is just one of those moments. One of those moments where Satan is testing me. Tempting me to throw in the towel. Asking me to question God's faithfulness.And I am refusing to do so! God is faithful and he will see me through this.

So Jesus, Bring the Rain! Because I know it is for your glory and my growth.

things

The thing of it is you have to let it go. All the drama. All the worry. That feeling in the pit of your stomach. It would be justified if it was true.but it isn't. It would all make sense. But it doesn't and it wont. We could never figure everything out. There will never be any concrete answers. God has a plan for us. Me and my sister talked last night about this. It was an act of God for him to provide us this situation. He took our hand and walked us through all the crazy processes that we had to pass. He knew today would come. And yet he still put us here. One day I hope we can look back and see the reason. But if we can't? If we do not know until we get home and talk to him face to face I have made my peace. My sister told me how God had planned her life as well. Every moment of worry has been in vain. Why worry regarding your life if you aren't the one controlling it? Looking back I can see how everything God did was for a reason. I believe that reason is so that we can grow. So that our knowledge and understanding can help other people. So God, whatever you want I accept.whatever your will is I will take.

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Another Day Stronger...

I keep thinking this. I keep chanting it. When life becomes unbearable, when the waves toss me about. Another Day Stronger. Another Day Stronger. Another Day Stronger.

That is all that I can think about today! I was doing well and one off the wall comment ruined it all. People are so manipulative. So ready to lie in order to have attention. So why would it surprise me? Why would I even believe a word out of their mouths? Because I internalize everything. I am an eternal pessimist. Even though I have been reassured that I have nothing to fear, even though I know that liars never get ahead. That fear consumes me at times. I don't know why I have such a thin skin but I do. I mean, I think that I have never been really good at hiding something that is bothering me. Maybe that is why I should never be a lawyer, poker player, or anything else. I work myself up. And for what?! To relax? Somehow that doesn't make sense.

So rather than that I have been busy scheduling appointments, cleaning, and cooking. Maybe even finding a second to squeeze schoolwork in here and there.

Better.

So today is better. Much better. I got up, got dressed, went to school and did not let one bad thought enter my head. I did it. I won. No crying. No Worry. Just a good day. And then, after thinking positive all day positive things happen. Amazing

Right now, I am watching the Musical Episode of Greys. This is so moving. The crazy part is that I have been in the emergency medicine field. And I can honestly say that the first two songs of the night have been ones that I have related two regarding patients previously.... Amazing!

accusations

So yesterday I freaked out. Over a work situation that put me on edge. Suddenly malicious lies kicked me while I was down and I panicked. But then I realized something. Yesterday was no where near the worst day of my life. The worst day of my life was when my grandpa died, my dad and mom told us they were divorcing, my best friend died in a car wreck, my brother in law wrecked my car, my electric was almost turned off, I wrecked moms bronco. Those are the worst days that I can think of. Not some dinky statement that I wasn't even present for. I mean I get that it is upsetting in a way. But when I look back over my life when I grow old and think when was the worst day of my life? I seriously doubt March 29 2011 will even be a candidate. The phrase "Another Day Stronger" comes to mind. A courageous woman who lost her daughter to SIDS a month ago uses those words. My situation is nothing like hers. Definetly not that heart wrenching. As a matter of fact I call yesterday a good day compared to her bad day! So I am open and honest. I will not waiver. I will not accept anything less than the absolute truth. I think that's fair.

So wish me luck today as I become

Another Day Stronger.

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Last night....

So last nights blog was a bit of a rant. I thought about deleting it but decided not to. I mean if that was how I was feeling then I need to be true to myself and my feelings. So someone I know is not doing that well in classes. Actually failing miserably. I do not know how to convey my disappointment, concern, etc. etc. to them. It is hard to do that if I have never been in the boat that they are. I am proud of my gpa and the fact that I am kicking stat's behind and it looks like my graduation from BRCC is 99% certain at this point. Taken I do show up for the standardized test that they give all graduates. I think that is stupid. I mean, it was enough of a feat for us to show up for 68 credits worth of classes (some of us more) and now that want to test our general knowledge. I think that this test is simply to see if we have the patience to be bored out of our minds ONE. LAST. TIME. Which honestly sucks because I no longer have the patience of Job when it comes to scholastic achievement. I think that my patience is that of a hungry goat. All of a sudden eatting trash vs waiting on real food is something that I am willing to do just to get it over with. Don't get me wrong! I am going to deeply miss BRCC. However, there comes a time in your life when you are ready to move on. I think I am at that point. So, Rather than that I really do not know what to comment on rather than the weather that we are having. 30 degrees one day and then 70 the next???!? Really?

when did this happen?

When did the fire department become more important than me? I mean I get its his passion but don't I count for anything? The only thing he has done today is homework and stupid tests. For what? For a class that he does as a volunteer? For the hope that one day he will have a job as one? My oh my isn't that something to look forward to. A life of sleepless nights, holidays alone, cold dinners... all because he wants this. Well what about my wants? Where do those figure into the life we are building. If he isn't doing something regarding the stupid fire department then he isn't doing anything. Its not like I do not like him having passion for something. On the contrary I think its great. But when does that passion become a prison? When does it cause the ones you love to go insane? And where do you go when it overwhelms you. How do you deal with him refusing to even talk to you at the end of a day when all he cares about is getting enough rest for tomorrow? How do I fix this mess? How do I tell him this isn't working. That I resent how every minute of his day is dedicated to firefighting? How do I become at peace with this? How do I express what I feel? If I could hit the rewind button id keep my whole life the same minus this mess. He is a good husband, a great one. But ignoring your wife is not the way to go. Especially when she just wants time with you. At the end of the day all she wants is you. But what if he doesn't want me back? What if this crazy train has jumped the tracks or the monster he has become cannot understand what I am trying to say? Im so sick of sacrificing my life so he can do whatever he wants. I want my husband back.

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Quick update!

Trying to do allot of paperwork today but just wanted to to a quick blog update. I think I am a bit overwhelmed. I think that I get that way every month end though. This paperwork is just something that I have to get done.

So perhaps my random musings for today are extremely short!

We all have to die sometime...

My husband woke me up this morning before he left to firefighter one class. "There's a full code on ________ street." he said as he kissed me goodbye. I think I remembered hearing sirens as I began getting dressed, showering, and debating on whether I should do my hair and makeup or not. It was all about me this morning.

Hopping in the car was no small feet and as we loaded in I remember verbalizing that I did not feel good this morning so we were going to listen to the radio. At the end of our street I turned left and heading up on the road we all saw it. Two ambulances, a cop car. I knew then that this was the code from earlier and the reason we had heard the sirens is because the house was so close to our own. I don't know who it was or what the circumstances but unfortunately there was a man in the yard talking on a cell phone who was obviously upset and a woman sitting on the steps of the house crying.

Death had come for whomever lived in that house. Grief had stricken another family. God had potentially called one of his children home.

As a Christian, I have not always approached things the way I should. Especially death. Perhaps it stems from my grandfather dying when I was so young. All the time that I thought I should have had with him and God said he needed him more. Or perhaps, it was loosing my first dog, standing at funerals for people I knew, or didn't know, maybe even it was all the rescue calls I ran with grieving families begging me to do something I couldn't. Bring their loved one back.

Death has always been scary to me. I don't know if the above circumstances have made me scared or if something else has. All I know is that I have come to the realization today that it isn't something to be feared. It's the ultimate test of a Christians faith really. I mean being afraid of death is actually doubting that God's word is truth. It's taking all the Sunday School lessons, Sermons, Christian Music, and the Bible itself and doubting it. Doubting has no place in Christianity. Doubt is Satans hold on you. I do not want to doubt.

So, I know I am only 22 here and this might perplex some people but i think I am okay with death. God has a plan for my life. God has promised me an eternal home. Death is not something to be feared. It's something to look forward to. And, I plan on doing everything I can so that when death does come to me it's a celebration.

Welll,

It's been awhile. Sorry about that. I know that everyone is just super duper disappointed that I did not finish that song a day thing. Sorry, but unfortunately I don't have time. I have been super busy. I just realized today that I desperately need to order graduation announcements. I really hope that everyone comes! I am super excited (even though it is not really a bachelors, just an associates.)

Well I do not feel like typing so much more.

Do you ever want something so bad that it drives you insane? Maybe it's just me but things are starting to drive me crazy. It's like nothing makes sense because it's the next step but somehow you aren't taking it! This is exactly how I feel! And the insanely undecided weather is not helping this. I mean 70 degrees one day and snow the next? It's all a little overwhelming. Maybe I will figure it all out. In the meantime I am left with a preview of how life might be without going to class next year. I can say I have already gotten allot more cleaning done in the last several days than I thought possible. Maybe tomorrow I will tackle the guest bedrooms.

Too bad the hubby doesn't get off from fire fighter one class....

Disabilities.

All around I see people with labels. Smart. Funny. Mean. Beautiful. Autistic. Artistic. Ugly. Jock Cheerleader. Intellectually Disabled. Hard Working.

These labels are something that I deal with everyday. Now you might think that I am a little off my rocker but I have to be honest here. I am sick of labels. Sick of people thinking that just because someone is different means that they are not worthy of their time. I see it every day. I fight it every day.

I guess the things that get me is that certain labels are bad and others are good. Society has imposed these labels so that people can be sorted. But what is the point of sorting if in the long run we all go through the same struggle?

I know. Right about now I am sounding like some hippee recording but I have seen so much of it in my 22 years that I feel I can blog about it. No human is perfect. I mean we all have our bad days. So why if you aren't perfect should you judge others? You shouldn't.

So please PLEASE please think before you speak. Because honestly in my eyes those that make fun of someone because of their label are the disabled ones.

Forget you

Today= a song that I can dance to. Thank Goodness for Just Dance two. This is the song that I can really do okay in the game. I guess that white girls don't have rhythm or something. That would explain allot. I have always wanted to be able to dance. Guess that is one talent that did not receive from either of my parents. I mean the most I can dance on my own is maybe the funky chicken (if I am with people I feel okay with. Maybe I will play Just Dance today. That could be something fun to do while I am home alone once again.

They weren't lying when they said this profession is the hardest job you'll ever love. So, I am off to another wonderful day here at the Main Household.

this says it fricken all...

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Oh the songs we listen to when we are young. =)

So, Today's challenge was a hard one. It was to find a song that I know all the lyrics to. I was thinking about this and I really think that the first song that I remember knowing all the lyrics to. As a matter of fact I had this song on tape. That's right. I had it on tape. And I rewound it a million times. So much that mom had to buy me another copy. Man. Those were the days.

So, not many specific memories regarding this song. Just a strange obsession with it. I think that whenever we went anywhere I brought that tape with me as well. =) Brooks and Dunn were the first music that I ever loved...Thank goodness they are not the only music I ever loved! All jokes aside they are great. Although I am not sure if they are still together. I mean I know that they had a farewell tour and then maybe a second one?!? I would love to go see them in concert someday but tickets are extremely expensive.

How Do You Save A Life?

Day Six: A song that reminds you of somewhere.

This one was easy. I didn't even think much of it. The Fray's How to Save a Life.

Everyone knows what phase of my life this reminds me of. But I have to say not everyone knows the whole story. I think that the time of my life spend in E.M.S. taught me allot of things. But, the one lesson that I did not like is that you cannot trust anyone. I never thought that life would be like that. I guess that shows how naive I was back then. This was my first real interaction though with the adult world and I thought I had it all figured out...

It took me a long, long time to realize that people are not like that if they are normal. The problem with EMS is that there are too many clashing egos. Too many people that only care for themselves. I hate it. When people think that because they have an associates degree in some medical field then they know it all. That they think that they can manipulate others simply with promises of things that they can never deliver. They think that because their mother or father was someone that they automatically get respect.

It sickens me. Excuse me if I seem to ramble more today. I'm not completely myself.

Just thought i would share a moment from this afternoon =)

Love Stories and Day 5

The problem with untold love stories is that they are often tragic ones. Strike that always tragic ones. You know the ones that don't work out. Sometime Pocahontas can't save John Smith or Beauty can't always get to the Beast before it's too late. Divorce, death, and feelings are all things that play into these stories. Stories full of hurt and pain. Stories that after one finally does find what is so right as far as love goes fade into the background and remind them of how lucky they are. That doesn't mean they never regret things that they said or did. It just simply means you have to focus on your future. Today's challenge though hit home with the Thirty Day Song challenge on facebook and it pulled me back to my untold love story. So, this is the song that I choose for day 5:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xKCek6_dB0M

It's so hard. To look back on this but somehow this song challenge is making me realize just how important the past is. The past is the foundation that the present is built upon. I think today I have also realized that a love story doesn't have to be about someone that you are romantically involved with. It can be a friend, a child, a loved one. Love stories can even be written after that person is gone. I think that reading about Maddie and her family has taught me that. Taught me that my lost love story is not that tragic because at least it was a story. A story that I can harness and use for good. A story that shows that I not only lived my time on this earth but I touched others. As long as I can do that I think that there is hope for me yet. Redemption is not a word that I like to throw around but looking back every mistake I made had a redeeming quality. I might not have seen it then but now I understand. The redeeming quality was that I found my path. I have a future. And I have that past to thank to some degree.

So I think that I am going to blog every day about one of the songs that I choose.

Back roads, horror movies.

Does anyone else know where Earlysville, Virginia is? After my adventure today I can honestly say I never plan on returning. If you have ever seen the movie wrong turn my Earlysville experience mimicked it. My GPS didnt work. Chock another thing up to the amazing Verizon Wireless. Then, there are all these turn arounds like telling you to turn back and then, if you survive past that point the road runs out of pavement. Luckily, we turned around to avoid the tragic ending however if we had kept going I believe we would have found crazy people and a deserted cabin.

That deer in the headlights look.

I was happy this morning. But then I remembered the age old tradition of anything that can go wrong will go wrong on the week before my birthday. People laugh at me and think that I am crazy but I can honestly attest some of the worst weeks of my life have come right before my birthday. I guess that I am just unlucky like that. Last year, my horse died, the year before that, my dog got ran over, the year before that, I had so many things going on that it isn't even funny! I think that it has always been like that and probably always will. Im used to it. That is why the week before my birthday I am a bit of a grouch. Okay, maybe more than a bit. A TOTAL. so, I preface this warning with a disclaimer.I am issuing a blanket apology to be put into effect from tomorrow until next Wednesday (my birthday). It's like knowing that storm clouds are on the horizon and trying to plan ahead...

So anyways... lets see here!..... Happy thoughts.....

My mom called me last night and said that she thought I needed to buy vegetable seeds and attempt to grow a garden. Not because the fruits and veggies might improve my health but because of all the political unrest that has been going on in the middle east. At first I laughed her off. But then I started thinking about it. A shortage in fuel means the cost of EVERYTHING else is going to go up... After a couple more thoughts I really began thinking that she was wise in the analysis. So, yes. I am going to attempt to plant a garden. If anyone knows anything regarding tillers, fertilizing, or plants I would be forever grateful. I'm thinking, Tomatoes, Corn, Pumpkins, Squash, and maybe even some green beans. I mean at the very least I wont have to buy those things from the store.... OH... maybe even watermelon. I even thought about investing in some wheat, oats, and corn to keep in storage. I mean. I know, I might sound crazy, but then again, it would be a nice cushion to have just in case and to be quite honest having a garden doesn't have to be as difficult as it was when I was a child...I remember Me, Zach, Brooke, and Nicole carrying buckets of water from the creek to water everything. THAT WAS PROBABLY THE MOST MISERABLE CHILDHOOD MEMORY I HAVE! But, now I know the value of a garden hose! =)

So I think that is enough musing for now. I forgot headphones today so I am sitting in the cafeteria listening to everyone else converse.... Oh what fun!

Frustrated.

I know that this post is going to seem more like a pity party than anything but I need to write it down. So I can get it all out. Last week was probibly the hardest week I have had in a LONG time. I was alone Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and all day Saturday. I finally thought that things would be going back to normal today but instead I am home alone again. Yes. It angers me. I feel that I have pulled more than my half lately. The thing that get's me is that he is not even doing all of this for a job. Its a hobby. So, he gets to run off and leave me here alone. I know that this sounds selfish and messed up but he never does the evening routine without me. I am always here. I scheduled my classes so that I was in school when the house was empty and now, here I am, because of no fault of my own I am responsible for everything. Chasing this dream better be worth it. Don't get me wrong. I am happy that he has aspirations and dreams but sometimes I wish that instead of jumping in feet first he would wade in and test the waters. Instead of telling me that I was responsible for the whole evening he would ask. I mean two days a week is fine but four is overwhelming. I know that a firefighters wife has responsibilities but this is excessive.I mean C.P.R. on Valentines Day? Class scheduled for my birthday weekend so we cannot go anywhere? That's asking allot from any woman. Not to mention our job is a 24 hour job. It's not like I am home alone with a t.v., remote, and lean cuisine meal. I have other responsibilities... I mean I think that he has been home alone one time in the last month and even that time I got four phone calls.

Now, let me disclaimer all this with the following: I love our job. I would not trade it for the world. Ditto with the Husband. I love him. I really do. I just needed to vent some feelings. That way when he comes home I won't blow like a volcano. It's easier this way because I can reason with myself and bring myself back from the edge of anger. This doesn't mean I'm going crazy or this doesn't mean that I need a break. It just means I feel unappreciated.

Wow. I feel better already.