Tomorrow

What is something that you always thought would last starts to crumble? Why is it that you try so hard to understand but come up empty? A bed that used to be far too big suddenly becomes far too small? The words for better or worse come back to bite you in the ass. And the sad part is that the things we are arguing about are ridiculous.

I feel so left out sometimes. I mean I know that him working 24s is providing for me and I am thankful for that. However, sometimes I feel like he is leaving me behind. Like he doesn't care what I have to say. Doesn't care that I am sick, that I want alone time, that I should be a priority. But it's more than that. He's hateful and spiteful. He says things that he knows will get me. He attacks me where it hurts the most just because he knows that he can get away with it. It makes me so angry and makes me feel so worthless. I do not want this for myself. And the sad part is that I do not know if I have had enough to throw in the towel. I mean doing so would be easy enough. So why can't I? Why can't I move on? Find someone that is amazing? I mean is it so hard to believe that there might be someone out there that is better for me than this person that constantly attacks me? Constantly belittles me? Makes me afraid of my own shadow? How much longer before I know what I can achieve? How much longer before I look in the mirror one day and realize how much I am worth? Will it be tomorrow? What about the next time he belittles me for doing something differently than his way? Will it be when I am recerted? What about if I want kids one day? Am I going to want to have his children? God, this is the most screwed up situation ever. And the sad part is that tomorrow I will want to delete this post because he will make promises. Promises that will last no more than a day. Promises that will reassure me. But if they aren't kept and we both know that they are lies are they even promises to begin with? Is this God's plan for me? To be stuck with a man that really doesn't care if I live or die? Because that is certainly what it is feeling like.

And I am so tired of explaining the way that he treats me away! I make excuse after excuse when deep down I am frustrated that I do not have a husband that treats me with respect or dignity...Listening to love songs make me cry and watching sappy movies put me in a horrid mood because deep down I know. I am positive in the depths of my soul that my husband will never treat me like that. Will never look at me like that way. David Cooks new album is a sword through my very soul because I can't listen to the slow songs because I get angry that I have no one to share that with.

So now I am stuck. Do I deal with the stigma of ending this or do I pick up the pieces of this relationship we are supposed to be building and glue them together again? I know deep down that the glue will eventually fade and I will be left with a mess again. Do I have the guts to do what I really want to? What does everyone think?