well... how bad do i want it?

So, a little glitch in my plans. I have to take a retest. Written and practical. Wow. I think I will be okay but its just the unknown that freaks me out. I definately want to run somewhere again before that time comes but so help me God I will never let my license expire again! I guess I should be grateful that I can test at any test site in virginia. That means I shouldn't have to testwith anyone in my past or anyone that knows me. That's a good thing. I'm looking forward to the new no partner format. Hopefully I can get a leg up and learn some new stuff before.

We are going out tonight to finally get some adult time. Meeting new people has never been a forte of mine. Well see how this goes!

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just a quickone.

wo today has been an interesting ine. i mean it was neither good or bad. some parts were hellish some were pretty freaking sweet if i dare say so. it just wasnt a red letter day. Rather than the fact that I got some good news about getting my life back on track. I know that sounds silly but for so long I have lived my life like a modern day drifter. Its nice to know that I have a chance to change really means allot to me.

Time Marches On...

Here I am again. Thinking about the same things, my past. It is filled with more twists and turns than ribbon candy but it's familiar. The things I left behind were the ones I loved the most. But then I realized that maybe I didn't leave them in the past. Maybe, and this is a big one, Maybe I wasn't supposed to give up as easily as I did. I mean I gave everyone what they wanted. And the sad thing is that they did not hate me for me. They hated me for everyone elses lies. Every time I was judged it was because I had a very sucky personal life. I had allot of issues, allot of problems and much of them was of my making. I was young, immature, and not ready to be where I was... Hit the fast forward button. I'm three years out. My life is clean. I mean 95% of my proverbial skeletons are out of my closet and I think I'm ready. I think that the knowledge that I have in my head should be able to do me some good, and others for that matter. I know that men and women will talk. I know that I might still have some rumors to outlive but I am ready. I think that me denying what I really want to do with the rest of my life would be horrible. And, I think that deep down I have fought what I want to do for the couple years that I have kept my mouth shut. I really believe that other people got to me. Had way too much influence on me... I am ready to start fresh. And that is exactly what I have every intention of doing.

Decisions.

Wow. So, I used to think that the answer to all my problems was money. I mean maybe if me and my husband weren't fighting about the bills month after month things would get easier.

I know. Stupid.

I have to say this has been one of the hardest years of my life yet regardless of not having to really worry about money. Even though that part is nice. I mean I love that part but having a good amount of money does not fix everything. As a matter of fact I think that the stress from the job that makes that money is overwhelming. I know that sounds ridiculous but it is all I can do to not pull my hair out of my head.

So then there is the question about when this chapter of our lives should end. Should we continue to torture ourselves or should we take the risk? I mean it would cut our disposable income in almost half. That is extreme. But, all of our bills would be paid and we would finally be left alone. So, the question is is this a good life?

Tomorrow

What is something that you always thought would last starts to crumble? Why is it that you try so hard to understand but come up empty? A bed that used to be far too big suddenly becomes far too small? The words for better or worse come back to bite you in the ass. And the sad part is that the things we are arguing about are ridiculous.

I feel so left out sometimes. I mean I know that him working 24s is providing for me and I am thankful for that. However, sometimes I feel like he is leaving me behind. Like he doesn't care what I have to say. Doesn't care that I am sick, that I want alone time, that I should be a priority. But it's more than that. He's hateful and spiteful. He says things that he knows will get me. He attacks me where it hurts the most just because he knows that he can get away with it. It makes me so angry and makes me feel so worthless. I do not want this for myself. And the sad part is that I do not know if I have had enough to throw in the towel. I mean doing so would be easy enough. So why can't I? Why can't I move on? Find someone that is amazing? I mean is it so hard to believe that there might be someone out there that is better for me than this person that constantly attacks me? Constantly belittles me? Makes me afraid of my own shadow? How much longer before I know what I can achieve? How much longer before I look in the mirror one day and realize how much I am worth? Will it be tomorrow? What about the next time he belittles me for doing something differently than his way? Will it be when I am recerted? What about if I want kids one day? Am I going to want to have his children? God, this is the most screwed up situation ever. And the sad part is that tomorrow I will want to delete this post because he will make promises. Promises that will last no more than a day. Promises that will reassure me. But if they aren't kept and we both know that they are lies are they even promises to begin with? Is this God's plan for me? To be stuck with a man that really doesn't care if I live or die? Because that is certainly what it is feeling like.

And I am so tired of explaining the way that he treats me away! I make excuse after excuse when deep down I am frustrated that I do not have a husband that treats me with respect or dignity...Listening to love songs make me cry and watching sappy movies put me in a horrid mood because deep down I know. I am positive in the depths of my soul that my husband will never treat me like that. Will never look at me like that way. David Cooks new album is a sword through my very soul because I can't listen to the slow songs because I get angry that I have no one to share that with.

So now I am stuck. Do I deal with the stigma of ending this or do I pick up the pieces of this relationship we are supposed to be building and glue them together again? I know deep down that the glue will eventually fade and I will be left with a mess again. Do I have the guts to do what I really want to? What does everyone think?

Frustration gives way to understanding...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11


If anyone read my last blog then this one is a follow up. I just have to pour my heart out to someone. Looks like the internet is it.

I thought that what God did last night was an isolated incident however, this morning, while reading things on the internet, I stumbled across Jeremiah 29:11. This verse spoke to me and shook me to the core this morning. Plans...

Plans like he had for us last night, for my life this far. Plans...

Plans that he had when we were at rock bottom and barely making ends meet.Plans he had when my brother in law wrecked my car, Plans He had when every bad thing that came into my life happened to me.

If yesterday he cared enough to take Y.D.'s in Da Makin' trip to Kings Dominion that was messed up and turned it into something amazing and beautiful what will he do with my life? What amazingly horrible situations that I endure will he turn around to something beautiful?
These questions bare down on my soul like a pressure that no one can withstand. Lord, what is your amazing plan for me? What laughter, tears, joys, or concerns are coming my way? And if the Lord of the Universe puts them there then who am I to contest them? I am His. And without him, I could do nothing. I can only sit at my kitchen table today and smile.

Because I have backup. I have a God that will take whatever horrid that comes my way and twist it into something beautiful. I have a God that intends to make my life a healthy and happy one. So let them test me. I am sick of believing with 50% of myself. So here I am Jesus...

The power of my God.

As I write this I'm sitting in the car coming back from Kings fest. Now I could lie to you and tell you I was in a great mood but I wasn't. I was angry and irritated by some people. I did not want to leave early due to the rain. I did not want to miss the newsboys. I did not want to miss Chris Tomlin,I did not want to leave kingsfest. My group was whining because they didn't get starbucks, they were hungry, etc, etc. Then, we got off the Ashland exit. We went to Wendys. Everyone didn't want wendys. We wanted the McDonalds down the street. But we went in. I got in line. We were talking and then some random guy started talking to me. "You guys just come from Kingsfest?" He asked as he smilled at the group of grouchy roudy children I have surrounded myself with. "Yeah, but we had to leave early because of the crazy rain." He looked at me and smiled "that's crazy, were actually on our way to kings fest. Were playing there tomorrow." Now I did a double take. "Playing?" I did a double take... who were these dudes that I randomly began joking with in line? And why were they so chill with my banchee charges that assaulted them with lame jokes? I mean these 13 year old teens were telling the lamest jokes ever and, incorperated a pickup line... lol. Then, we learned their band name was Samestate. They were currently driving from event to event living in their white van until they made the big time. "Basically whoevers awake enough to drive and not kill anyone is the person behind the wheel." Said the man I would soon discover to be the lead vocalist. As we waited in line ( for over an hour I might add) everyone was talking about the disappointment of not getting to see the big name bands we missed. Samestate looked at each other and then, since they were ahead of me and had gotten their food. I didn't think anything more of it.

After scarfing down chicken nuggets and a baked potato and listening to more negativity I stared over to the guys from the bands table. They were coming over and talking to us randomly. And then something amazing happened.

I zoned out for the next 5 minutes and then, as I looked at the door I saw the guy I had been cutting up with carrying his guitar case. Followed by the drummer carrying a box to drum on, the steel guitar player with his homemade steel, two other guys with acoustics as well. Suddenly it hit me. They were a blessing sent from God.

That's right. They played a concert for us. In Wendys. While it poured down rain outside. The wendys that we didn't want to eat in. The teens that didn't want to leave the park.

To top it all the first song they sang was about trusting Jesus in the storm.

So after their concert I bought their c.d. and I happened to asked what their plans were in Virginia. The band manager goes "well were going to some small backwoods town to crash at a buddy of mines house" I asked where it was they were going just to be nosey. I nearly fell over as his next words came out...

"Some town called Waynesboro, were playing at his church on Sunday too." The crazy thing? The church they're playing at? My church. I am not lying. I couldn't make this up. They are this Sundays special music.

Then, the lead vocalist tells me how they ended up on Wendys and just about caused me to keel over.

The only reason they ate at Wendys that night was because his grandmother had given every member of the band a $25 gift card to Wendys. I was speechless.

In the mean time, I had placed my cell phone on the car charger. Hadn't played with it or anything and when I came back my phone background had been changed to the album cover of the cd I bought. You know, the one I bought? And the crazy thing we were the first to get that album. No one else had it, it was no where on the internet or I could not have accesed it in any way. As my nephew said "God hacked your phone, and I believe he works in hacking peoples technology." And my sister said "god works in mysterious ways.

After tonight there is zero doubts. God put us at the Ashland Wendys. He put Samestate at the Ashland Wendys. He saved us from our bad attitudes, our change of plans, ourselves. It was amazing. There are too many coincidences here to say God did not use his power in a mighty and impacting ways tonight.

"And if our God is for us then who can rise against us?"

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annoying

You know how there are somethings that annoy you to no end? And other people just don't get it? That is how I feel. I try to confide and explain how I feel and nobody listens or even attempts to care about how I feel. And its really getting fricken old. Im not saying this to be mean or rude or anything. I just get so tired of trying to express my feelings because nobody wantsk to listen. And I know I bitch about random things but who in the hell doesn't? I mean allot of times I am a very good listener. Heck I can even listen to the same story multiple times. I just wish I could express myself :-(

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you would think...

That I could get in the swing of getting up like this. Its super hard though and six am comes wayyy to early all too often. Now, granted I am back in bed curled up for a minute or two. Maybe that's why. Or maybe I haven't had a cup of coffee yet. I don't know why but 6 is way to early for me.

So vacation is over and the real life begins. The real life freaking sucks. I mean I like making money however its too fricken early... :)

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self realization

SO,

Vacation has been wonderful. This is our last day and after swimming in the ocean, dipping in the pool, and enjoying everything else that the ocean has to offer I can honestly say that I am excited to go home tomorrow. I miss my life. I mean yeah, I am going to be upset leaving the beach however, it is time for me to go back.

During this vacation it has occurred to me that there are somethings in my life that bother me. Things about me that I want to change. So, here is the list.

1. I am too accommodating. I give in to everyone and everything. It doesn't matter if my discomfort is too much to bear, as long as I am making everyone else happy then I am doing what needs to be done. This might sound stupid but I do this. I feel like I need to change this. I think I deserve better than this. And, that's the truth.

2. I give a Damn what other people think. I want others to like me. Maybe that is why #1 is what it is. I mean from the clothes I wear to the things I do I jump through hoops to fit in. I am kind of sick of that too. I mean it makes no sense however, I feel as though I am on this quest to prove myself to other people.

3. I view my life path in dollar signs vs. happiness. I think I went into this life thinking that the more money I make the happier I would be. I think that is utter bullsh*t. I need to learn that money does not always buy happiness. That I can be just as happy on $30k a year as I can be on $100K.