Really good day...

My husband got his new job! This was my last official Tuesday of classes at Blue Ridge, My dad fixed the camper, and, I am reading a really good book. Its official! I am having a really good day. I feel productive. You know? Maybe like one of those Keebler elves or something. The clouds are starting to part and for once I feel like I can see the horizon... Nothing can bring me down!

*trips on a stick*

Opps! I knocked on wood.

Happy Easter...

Just wanted to say Happy Easter! Please pray for my nephew Josh.

<3

Sarah

Today is not the same...

So i thought it would be beautiful today. Considering it got up to 82 yesterday I assumed today would be equally as beautiful. Man was I WRONG! I mean do not get me wrong. 62 is lovely. however when I wear capris, and a t shirt and DO not bring a jacket I panic regarding the weather. Maybe it is because D109 is an ICEBOX. I have had 4 classes in that room and I froze in EVERYONE of them. So, if you are a new student to Blue Ridge let me encourage you. Regardless of how warm it is outside. BRING A JACKET. D109 is like a refrigerator. It doesnt matter how warm it gets in there it is still going to be cold.

American Idol last night was close. I have to say that I am conflicted about who to vote for. While I am a Scotty fan through and through I do not think that his performance measured up to everyone elses. I mean do not get me wrong! He did an amazing job however, James performance kicked Scotties butt. I realize that it is too late to vote but if I had to choose someone it would be James.

So, rather than that I can honestly say I feel as though God is teaching me patience. I still have not heard back regarding a previous situation but I need to learn to be content no matter the situation. This is hard for me. Even though I have been reassured that we will be receiving another contract offer I struggle. Even when an accusation is false I apologize. I find myself to be the person that give and gives to others in order to make them happy but at the end of the day I have nothing left to enjoy myself. This is a part of my life that definitely needs work. I need to learn to not apologize and awfullize and to learn that apologies are unnecessary if I have nothing to say "sorry" for.

I've still got allot of leavin' left to do.

So, I just need to get this all out in the open.

Last Saturday as me, Danielle, and Joie were stuffing easter eggs we decided to use coupons to Suntan city to go and get spray tans and lay. It was a spur of the moment thing. We even asked Pam if she wanted to go. She didn't want to BUT we offered. It wasn't that we excluded anyone. It was simply something that we wanted to do and so we did it. We called David Lee to see if he wanted to go with us. We were not going to be spiteful and hateful to anyone... Fast forward a couple of days.

Today my sister Lorie is mad because we didn't invite her to go. She wants to claim that she always gets left out. Well, the truth of the matter is that the reason she is left out because she doesn't come around. I know for a fact that she knew that we were stuffing easter eggs on the date that we were and she did not come. Now, I am the bad guy because I did not go out of my way to invite her.

Well, if you want my take here it is. I do not care if you don't agree with me. I am entitled to my opinion.

I have traveled a long LONG road regarding dad and his family. I didn't even think that me returning to the family would cause this drama. But all of a sudden I went from feeling as though I only had one support system (my mom and her amazing family) to two. Suddenly I had picnics and cookouts, weddings and birthdays, baptisms and sadly funerals to go to from my dad's side. AND I love every minute of it. God is faithful to give us the desires of our heart. Even when we do not know what those desires are. He has revealed to me that my desires are to be the best daughter, sister, aunt, etc. etc. that I can be. But another desire of my heart is to have no drama. To be content with who I am. To make no apologies when I do nothing wrong. That is a desire I have. Because at the end of the day the persons that I have to make happy are me and God.

So I have done NOTHING wrong. I have not purposely excluded anyone from anything. If IO wanted to I could have but I didn't. I am not at fault here. Excuse me for having a life. Excuse me for refusing to compromise in what I believe. And get over it.

So, Lorie, I am sorry if my actions have hurt you. That was never my intention. But do not sit on your couch running your mouth about me and more IMPORTANTLY my family. If me and Joie and Danielle want to tan then we are going to. If we WANT to go somewhere together we are going to. Do not patronize or victimize yourself. I never saw in the rule book where I had to have all my sisters together to do something. Never. I mean if that were the case then I would not know any of you because you are never EVER at dad's when I go to visit. I cannot live my life to please you. And if that upsets you, I am sorry. But I have to live my life. I cannot sit around waiting for it to be convenient for everyone to spend time with my family. Because at the end of the day, we all know the truth. We all know that you are playing the victim here because you can. And then, you want to run your mouth on facebook. Facebook is not the place for it. If you have unresolved issues then be the bigger person and message me instead of letting the whole world see it. It is ridiculous that you want to get other people involved in this drama that you have created. And, I am NOT falling prey to it. So, if you hate me, hate me. It's no skin off of my nose. As a matter of fact I think I have lived 21 years of my life without you and I think that living the rest of it that way will not be a stretch. But, I feel sorry for you. Sorry that you will not get to know me as the sincere and genuine person that I am, sorry that when the time comes you will not get to see your nieces and nephews that me and Cody have, sorry that you won't be there for day to day. But you have made your choice and I will not allow you to bring your DRAMA into my life... I love you sis but I will not go down this road with you.

So,,, 6 more classes.

That's it? Seriously?! Wow. How am I going to deal with not being a BRCC student anymore? I have no clue...

Today they sat up inflatables out on the lawn. Fun Fun. The Same lawn that I am going to be graduating on in like 4 weeks. Crazy.

Right now I really cannot form thoughts. There is so much going on with my life and at the moment I am not sure if that is a good or a bad thing. I am kind of ready for the slow pace of summer. I think that I might take an LU online class this summer just so that I can say I am doing something with all the time I entend to waste.

So, all of my sisters and I are packing up and leaving town for a girls weekend with dad not this weekend but next and I must say that I am excited to be having this time with them all! They rock and they really give me strength. My whole family does though. From my sisters, to nieces, to brothers, to mom, to dad, and everyone in between. Thanks for that strength.... Maybe even the stubborness that runs through my veins!

Sisters...

bitterness.

Its so hard for me to not be a bitter person! I mean I should know that there are going to be hard times in my life because of others. So why is it hard for me to be nice to them?

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Time.

Time is my worst enemy these days. It's like waiting for the other shoe to drop. On one side I want to know results, on the other, I just simply want it to be over. I want us to get on with our lives. I want some answers. I want them now.

But I instead keep myself busy. Thinking up every project that I can undertake to make things better. Thinking of things that I can do with either outcome. Cross stiching. Studying for this next test, checking my email a bazillion times a day... Waiting... Hoping...

Have you ever waited for something for so long that you are sick and tired of waiting? Its like a proverbial cloud hanging over your head and you do not know how to get rid of it.

I WANT IT GONE.

And the verdict is...

Not the worst day of my life. No where near close. but it was hard. =/ It's okay though =)

It is Well...

"When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll, WHATEVER MY LOT thou has taught me to say, It is well, It is well, with my soul."

I am Well. I am strong. I know that typically feelings I should be having before a day like this are ones of self doubt, dread, stress. But those feelings have faded. All I can think about is old weathered hands holding a Bible and still coming to church. All I can think about is the man who just lost everything and still takes a knee to thank God for what is spared. All I can think about is the people in Japan, Haiti, the Projects. The Homeless, The Lost, the people that are dying alone.

How selfish am I?

What has led me to this realization?

How can I change who I am?

"I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength."

Some things? Just minor things? Just unimportant things?

ALL THINGS.

I think that I have finally come to the conclusion that God has a plan. This plan superceeds every plan that I come up with. Every want, need, desire I have matters not. Because when I look back over my story, and I see the way that God has led me through the snake pits, and valleys I will be overly thankful. My savior has a plan. Right now his plan might be scaring me. But there is a peaceful righteousness that one has knowing that the God of the Universe has a plan for me! He took time when he could have been doing something else, creating something magnificent and made the plan for my life. I don't know what that plan is yet, and you know, I may never know. The greatest part of this plan is that I do not have to worry about the ending. It has already been written.

I think the biggest thing that has put this into perspective for me is a friend of mine. On facebook his status read something to the effect of "Having a bad week." I posted back underneath telling him all my woes and come to find out that his mother is starting chemo again. I felt horrible. I could not imagine the pain of that. Of fighting to have your mother here. And yet I want to complain about a situation that is going to resolve itself? How petty am I?

Don't answer that. I know the answer already.

So it is well Lord. It is well.

If you want to close any chapters in my life you do it. If you want to push me in a new direction you do it. If you want to make something wonderful out of me here I am. Use me.

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable

And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table

No one can find the rewind button, girl.

So cradle your head in your hands

And breathe... just breathe,

Oh breathe, just breathe

This song has really spoke to me tonight. Breathe, Just Breathe. Tomorrow is going to be an intense day to say the least but if I can just breathe I will be fine. Tomorrow is going to end just as today has (the day before has already drawn to an end) so why sweat it. It isn't like I have anything to prove. I know that there is a reason for everything.

I do have a bit of good news to share. My husband has an interview for a job Monday at 11am. It would be nice to have this job in order to put money in the bank. I know that he works so hard to make me happy and I am aware of that. Working as an EMT is a dream for him. He has wanted this for so long and has put it on the back burner to provide for me. I would love it if he could have the chance to do this. I mean I know that it would add to the stress of our lives and would make me more responsible for things at the house. But I am okay with that. Maybe that is what we need. Its time for him to do something that he loves for a living. I know it would be insane hours for him but he knows that too and he still wants it!

Snap back to reality...

I have hid out three hours from home for the last two days. I guess I thought I could escape them. I know I can't. It was a valid try anyways.and I did have a wonderful trip :) so now comes the hard part. This upcoming week could very well be the hardest of my life. I think im ready though :)

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better days are gonna come.

Today I am strangely optimistic. My life is good. Even if the neighbors did argue until 3am. I am tired of living in the city but I know that right now I really do not have a choice. Im okay with that. So im tired of blogging right now and have decided a break for a day or two maybe what I need.

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How to save a life...

What if it's your life and you are trying to save it? What if you scream for air, stuck near the surface of a lake. Trapped. At first you say its the other people. The ones that are dead weight and dragging you back into the lake bottom mire. "They did this to me. They are what is stopping me. I hate them. I HATE THEM! I HATE THEM!!!" You scream as you float. You thrash your fists, waste your oxygen on trying to be nice. Try bribing them to convince them to let you go. But they don't! They keep demanding. Keep manipulating. Keep right on not caring.

At this moment in your life you have to make a decision. You have to decide if your life is worth saving. If the things that the other people are juxtaposing on you are true. If their hate and accusations are worth a chapter in your life. If this story is about them or you. These people don't care if you tell them you are drowning. They can't. They are inhuman. Incapable of using their brain and the good sense that the Almighty God gave them. So there you are, under water, stuck. Because of their actions.

What can you do? How can you fix this? It's easy.

STOP FLOATING AND FIGHT.

Fight their chains of bitterness, Kick off the binds of requirements. Refuse to accept the gag of civility. FIGHT IT ALL. You've never fought before? You might look like an idiot if you fight?!? But wont you look like an equally stupid idiot if you drown under all their demands? Better an idiot with a life than a dead idiot.

And let me tell you something. When you break the surface, when you finally have told the whole world that you are not a push over, that breath you take, when you can finally stop fighting, when you can just be thankful to be alive. THAT MOMENT IS WORTH IT ALL.

Don't get sucked under again either. Do your part to guard against these people. Don't loose a good friend because of bitterness. Do your part.

How to Save a Life.

a short one

So, I probably don't have time for this morning. But I am going to make time for myself. Because its important to do so. Today is so gloomy compared to others. But its still a blessing. I refuse to refer to in any other way. So here I sit. Waiting. That is honestly the hardest part of my job. Waiting for the phone to ring. But I am doing it. Waiting for this 3 ring circus to pack up and life to get back to normal. Waiting for my wondering to be over. What will happen to us? Is this really supposed to be?

A church billboard spoke to me yesterday. Its statement was:
"Waiting for tomorrow? Jesus is already there."

That meant allot and kinda helped me to simmer down.

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Jesus Bring the Rain

What can I say? I am sick of it. I am sick being asked the same question 70 times! Do you think that I am going to change my mind? Do you think I am stupid? No. I can tell you what I am am

I am strong.

I am determined.

I am a daughter of the King.

I am in love with a wonderful husband.

I work hard.

I am a sister.

I am steadfast.

I will not waiver in my belief or in truth.

I know what has happened and will happen.

Sometimes I just need to remind myself of these things. I mean starting down this road God never promised there wouldn't be trials. He never promised freedom from persecution. So this is just one of those moments. One of those moments where Satan is testing me. Tempting me to throw in the towel. Asking me to question God's faithfulness.And I am refusing to do so! God is faithful and he will see me through this.

So Jesus, Bring the Rain! Because I know it is for your glory and my growth.

things

The thing of it is you have to let it go. All the drama. All the worry. That feeling in the pit of your stomach. It would be justified if it was true.but it isn't. It would all make sense. But it doesn't and it wont. We could never figure everything out. There will never be any concrete answers. God has a plan for us. Me and my sister talked last night about this. It was an act of God for him to provide us this situation. He took our hand and walked us through all the crazy processes that we had to pass. He knew today would come. And yet he still put us here. One day I hope we can look back and see the reason. But if we can't? If we do not know until we get home and talk to him face to face I have made my peace. My sister told me how God had planned her life as well. Every moment of worry has been in vain. Why worry regarding your life if you aren't the one controlling it? Looking back I can see how everything God did was for a reason. I believe that reason is so that we can grow. So that our knowledge and understanding can help other people. So God, whatever you want I accept.whatever your will is I will take.

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Another Day Stronger...

I keep thinking this. I keep chanting it. When life becomes unbearable, when the waves toss me about. Another Day Stronger. Another Day Stronger. Another Day Stronger.

That is all that I can think about today! I was doing well and one off the wall comment ruined it all. People are so manipulative. So ready to lie in order to have attention. So why would it surprise me? Why would I even believe a word out of their mouths? Because I internalize everything. I am an eternal pessimist. Even though I have been reassured that I have nothing to fear, even though I know that liars never get ahead. That fear consumes me at times. I don't know why I have such a thin skin but I do. I mean, I think that I have never been really good at hiding something that is bothering me. Maybe that is why I should never be a lawyer, poker player, or anything else. I work myself up. And for what?! To relax? Somehow that doesn't make sense.

So rather than that I have been busy scheduling appointments, cleaning, and cooking. Maybe even finding a second to squeeze schoolwork in here and there.