It's coming full circle!

Well, one year ago where were we? Our last trip to the beach brought definite confirmation that we would be sponsors, it brought Cody quitting Blue Ridge, It brought us gearing up for a move. It brought so many wonderful things. And this year? It brings the same amazing changes.

Even though we have no intention of quitting this job the husband has a full time other one. Taste and see that the Lord is good is one verse that I cannot help but quoting in this instance. God took us from not know where our future would take us to the greater understanding that everything was going to be okay.

So, the beach tomorrow. What am I looking forward to the most? The sand everywhere? The heat? Time alone with my husband? Sleeping in? Shopping? Dinning out? The Pool? The Lazy River? How about all of it. I really cannot wait! And I am not just saying that. I mean tomorrow when I get into the hotel and look around I don't know if I will be able to stand it. Hell, just getting into the car at 7am tomorrow morning knowing what the plan is and where I am ending up? That might be enough to give me a heart attack!

And might I mention the Gold Car is gone? We are going in the rx8! We are going to be unembarrased of our vehicle this year!!! I know that this sounds stupid but I am looking forward to it just being Cody and I and nobody else to worry about. I will be driving my car. Not anyone else. That way if something does happen I will not have flash backs panic attacks or regrets. Its my turn to drive! I think that I am also looking forward to it just being me and Cody. I think that it is going to be a thrill...This is the first vacation that is this long that we have taken ALONE since we got married. I actually think that this is the longest vacation that we have ever had alone. I mean do not get me wrong, family is amazing. BUT there is something to be said for only having to take care of Cody and Me. I am looking forward to it.

So I think that I am going to cut out. No blogging from the beach! I promise to be back with pictures soon!

<3 Sarah

woop... woop!

So now life is good right now. Rookie Blue comes on tonight, Cody just got off work, tomorrow is FRIDAY! which mean we leave for the beach in under 48 hours. Right now life is good. That is for right now.

Everytime I write a life is good post something comes and messes it up again. I mean I know that it sounds corney but even when I am here alone I worry my head off that someone is going to come to my front door and accuse me of doing something that I really did not do. I think the thing that gets me the most is that most everyone behind these accusations knows that they are complete crap. They are working for a broken system and I completely hate it! I mean why am I under scrutiny for something that I did not do. Why do I feel guilty for sitting down and taking two seconds for myself when everything is fine wondering if someone is going to come and be mean to me? I do not think that I deserve to live this way. I mean I am all for ensuring that someone's quality of life however, where do you draw the line between adding to someone else quality while destroying mine. That is how I feel. Like my life doesn't matter. I am a causality as long as I please everyone else. I am really tired of that.

Sometimes I just don't know.

Hurrrmmmph.... That one little sound describes my whole mood at the moment. Kind of undecided if that is a good thing or a bad one. I know it sounds ridiculous but that is the only way that I know to express it.

So, I can finally announce that Cody was offered full time at work and he accepted it. We are thrilled about this. It finally means that he has made it. He has a job vs. a career. He is paying the bills by working as an EMT. YAY!

Then there is the fact that I am starting the hiring process again. The last person that I really liked actually was not a fit at all as far as respite goes. She's a good person but totally overloaded with her kid. Not a good combination for me. But, the search goes on. I have 12 applicants so far. This is really difficult because I am typically a nice person so picking is going to be near impossible for me.

Throw in a fiasco today during orientation, getting one of my clients ready for a home trip, cleaning, packing,

Vacation in two days, Kings fest the week after that, Job interviews that same week.... hmmm, maybe I should have learnt how to juggle before demanding to throw firely knives of death. Either way this will always work out. And, if it doesn't then it is not meant to be. I know that sounds corny but that is about how I feel.

I have to admit that I hate living in this house. I mean everyone is nice but I am terrified that I am going to round the corner and find someone work related there without setting up an appointment. It happens all the time. I mean I knew there would be unannounced visits however, I hate them more every day. It kind of insults me. I mean they wouldn't want me to show up at their office and demand an appointment randomly. So why do they insist on doing this to me. All I know is that I hate it. I hate analyzing everything that goes on in my home. I mean yes, I am glad that everyone is concerned but for shitz sake leave us alone so that we can function the way that we need to. It's a little too much sometimes.

Better Days.

Today is beautiful. Even though it is cloudy. As a matter of fact the past 4 days have flown by. My week with Juliet has been uneventful sans a few scratches and hives. I am going to miss her when she goes back to Mom at the end of this week. Maybe one day I will look into having a dog like her. Just not right now.

A storm is blowing in as I sit on the deck and write this. It figures God would choose the day that dad is getting his pool filmed to bring this nasty weather into this area. =) But then again I need to be thankful for the many things that I have been blessed with.

Yesterday at the lake was totally one of those days that I will never forget =)

You can dye your roots but they will still be there.

I have been contemplating where I belong in life. I know, I know. It's silly. But all during high school I didn't fit in with a particular group. And then, senior year, when I really did hit my stride it was all over with. So, where do I fit in in this life that I am blessed with. All I can think about is what I knew for 20 of my 22 years. I grew up on a farm. Does that make me country? Perhaps? I have no idea. I enjoy our house we have now which in the city. Does that make me a city slicker? I seriously doubt that one. Anyways. I don't know the answer to this one =)

So, meeting today. One that I really didn't get to schedule and its at my house. How convenient!? You mean I don't have to leave my home to have a work function? Awesome... They didn't even let me have input of date or time?! WTF!? Some times I feel like people have forgotten that this is my house. Not a place for them to come and go as they please. I have to live here too. I mean I get the importance of my home being a reasonably safe and clean place however, I do not think that it is fair to me to have meetings here. I know that meetings are part of this job and I do not mind attending them however, I feel like I do not have a space that is my own. I know that this is a ridiculous dilemma that might not make complete sense to everyone but step into my shoes for even a week and you will suddenly see that it is almost overwhelming at times. And yes, I love my job and am thankful to be gainfully employed. I feel like we are doing work that is important and life changing however, I feel like having these meetings at my house is unnecessary.

That's all for now... Oh yeah btw. 10 days until a full week of sandy South Carolina beach.

Come Home. Come Home.

There is a point in your life where you have to decide if all the drama some people bring is worth it. Is it worth walking into a home and feeling as though you never measure up? Is it worth it to feel replaced? Is it worth feeling as though you are second fiddle? Leftout? Alone? No. I do not think so. I feel as though all my life I have been trying to find myself. Almost as though I am in a maze of mirrors. These 22 years have not been a picnic in the park. I have chased rainbows to find no pot of gold at the end, I have accomplished things that have made me completely happy, I have defied the odds, and now I think that I am living a good life. A life that we have made for ourselves. One that we could be proud of. So why would I let anyone mess that up? Why would I let anyone make me feel less of the person that I am? Because I had a crazy past? Because occasionally I enjoy a mixed drink? Because I now know the line between a good time and craziness?

No.

If anything these people should come to the realization that I have started to find myself. I have come to the realization that the only person that I have to make happy is God. Myself. And perhaps my husband. Family accepts you for who you really are. They don't whisper quietly about you behind your back. They don't not invite you because you are an embarrassment. They are right there. In the pool beside you. Laughing at you. Laughing with you. and talking about it for weeks to come. That is my life. And really I don't need anything else to make me happy.

wow... okay.

All of my posts seem to be in the negative vein lately. I am going to change that. Positive thinking! Positive thinking! Ooops! That did not seem to work. How come all that can spurt out of my mouth is negativity late.

frustrated.

This post is in the vein of the other one that I had the other day. only this time the circumstances are different. I feel like I have to say this. No judgment later on or anything but I do get frustrated when I think about the sudden changes in plans that seem to come with this lifestyle. I mean I get that they are necessary however, I feel like there might be some pride in actually calling ones life before accepting a shift. Of course that is just how I feel... I am just the wife.

One of the things that I need to do is laundry.

It don't matter to the sun...

Sometimes I have to remind myself that the life of an emergency services worker is worth it. I feel as though every time I attempt to make a plan I cant because he changes them. I am blessed to have a wonderful husband, supportive of me and my dreams. More so than allot of people that I know in my life. But I have to admit it hurts. I sometimes get jealous. Every time I hear a siren I turn around wondering if I can catch a glimpse of him. I know its ridiculous. And yet I still do it. I mean this was supposed to be a relaxed Saturday but it didnt work out. How many times have you ever used those words "it didn't work out."

I know that I typically use them at least twenty times a week. I find myself at a crossroads. There are so many things that I want to do, so many people that I want to see but because of my husbands schedule I have to choose between seeing him or going and seeing others. Often times he wins and when he doesn't? I feel guilty the whole time that I am with the other people. I think to myself that there is some mistake. I shouldn't have to choose. Should I? I mean I knew that this life would be rough. That it would be lined with circumstances. That there were going to be moments like this. But I feel like I always am feeling guilty these days. I mean how do I choose between my husband and my other friends and family?How do I balance this life with everything else? How do I accept the weekends that I spend by myself because he is volunteering? How do I deal with the pressure that comes from doing this job by myself while he chases his dream? How do I cope when I go out in public and see guys with EMS shirts on with their families? Or is this one of their rare days? The ones that I beg for? Somehow I do not know if the begging for a day where we run errands together or go shopping is something that is normal in this life. How am I supposed to know if it is? I do not come from a family that has this kind of background. What is normal? How will I know when I have found it? Does it involve him actually coming home and spending time with me? Or is this it? Is this the new normal?

I mean I know that Cody is only doing what is best for me. Providing for me. Making a future for us. But does it have to be this hard? Do we always have to choose between each other and everything else? I feel like his everything else is his work, volunteering, and EMS in general. And I feel like he ALWAYS chooses lights and sirens over me. And for once. I think I have realized that he needs them. More than he would ever need me. And the scary part is. I do not think that I am okay with waiting around on him to decide if they are me are more important... This is the man I love, the man I married, and yet, I feel as though I'm fighting against him every day. I just want to let go and let him decide. But I'm afraid to. Because I know what his choice would be...

You say you gotta go and find yourself
You say that you're becoming someone else
Don't recognize the face in the mirror looking back at you

You say you're leaving as you look away
I know there's really nothing left to say
Just know I'm here whenever you need me I'll wait for you

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me

Take your time, I won't go anywhere
Picture you with the wind in your hair
I'll keep your things right where you left them
I'll be here for you

Oh and I'll let you go, I'll set your free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me

And I hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you, come back to me

I can't get close if you're not there
I can't get inside if there's no soul there
I can't face you, I can't save you
It's something you'll have to do

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me
Come back to me

So I'll let you go, I'll set you free
And when you've seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me

And I hope you find everything that you need
I'll be right here waiting to see
You find you, come back to me

You find you, come back to me
When you find you, come back to me
When you find you, come back to me

WHOAH! I've been busy!

Today has been insane! I feel like I have accomplished SO much! Here's a list:

1. Got a client up, dressed, and off to day support.
2. Changed out all the monthly documentation stuff in my daily binder
3. Tanned (THE FULL 12!!!!!)
4. Reorganized the other clients financial folder
5. Went to walmart for a quick shopping trip to pick up some things.
6. Finished a financial form (THIS IS NO SMALL FEAT!)
7. Had a lovely conversation with my sister.
8. Called and set up an appointment with the Lovely Phoenix construction company to come out and give us an estimate.
9.m

Now I am waiting on the dishwasher guy to get here. He has 20 more minutes until I call Lowes and raise cain and Abel too. I hate waiting. Especially for something that has been broken since not this Friday but last. I am so ready to cook a big ole meal and then load down the dishwasher and let it do all the dirty work for me. Although I hate that the one that we have died. I really liked it. It was super quiet, did the job right, and I really don't know if it were energy efficient or not. But I miss a dish washer period. Perhaps we could figure out what is wrong with the old one and hotwire it into some crazy dishwasher bodied robot. Or perhaps I could just kiss it goodbye and let it go to the dumpster. I think that I choose that option