Better.

So today is better. Much better. I got up, got dressed, went to school and did not let one bad thought enter my head. I did it. I won. No crying. No Worry. Just a good day. And then, after thinking positive all day positive things happen. Amazing

Right now, I am watching the Musical Episode of Greys. This is so moving. The crazy part is that I have been in the emergency medicine field. And I can honestly say that the first two songs of the night have been ones that I have related two regarding patients previously.... Amazing!

accusations

So yesterday I freaked out. Over a work situation that put me on edge. Suddenly malicious lies kicked me while I was down and I panicked. But then I realized something. Yesterday was no where near the worst day of my life. The worst day of my life was when my grandpa died, my dad and mom told us they were divorcing, my best friend died in a car wreck, my brother in law wrecked my car, my electric was almost turned off, I wrecked moms bronco. Those are the worst days that I can think of. Not some dinky statement that I wasn't even present for. I mean I get that it is upsetting in a way. But when I look back over my life when I grow old and think when was the worst day of my life? I seriously doubt March 29 2011 will even be a candidate. The phrase "Another Day Stronger" comes to mind. A courageous woman who lost her daughter to SIDS a month ago uses those words. My situation is nothing like hers. Definetly not that heart wrenching. As a matter of fact I call yesterday a good day compared to her bad day! So I am open and honest. I will not waiver. I will not accept anything less than the absolute truth. I think that's fair.

So wish me luck today as I become

Another Day Stronger.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Last night....

So last nights blog was a bit of a rant. I thought about deleting it but decided not to. I mean if that was how I was feeling then I need to be true to myself and my feelings. So someone I know is not doing that well in classes. Actually failing miserably. I do not know how to convey my disappointment, concern, etc. etc. to them. It is hard to do that if I have never been in the boat that they are. I am proud of my gpa and the fact that I am kicking stat's behind and it looks like my graduation from BRCC is 99% certain at this point. Taken I do show up for the standardized test that they give all graduates. I think that is stupid. I mean, it was enough of a feat for us to show up for 68 credits worth of classes (some of us more) and now that want to test our general knowledge. I think that this test is simply to see if we have the patience to be bored out of our minds ONE. LAST. TIME. Which honestly sucks because I no longer have the patience of Job when it comes to scholastic achievement. I think that my patience is that of a hungry goat. All of a sudden eatting trash vs waiting on real food is something that I am willing to do just to get it over with. Don't get me wrong! I am going to deeply miss BRCC. However, there comes a time in your life when you are ready to move on. I think I am at that point. So, Rather than that I really do not know what to comment on rather than the weather that we are having. 30 degrees one day and then 70 the next???!? Really?

when did this happen?

When did the fire department become more important than me? I mean I get its his passion but don't I count for anything? The only thing he has done today is homework and stupid tests. For what? For a class that he does as a volunteer? For the hope that one day he will have a job as one? My oh my isn't that something to look forward to. A life of sleepless nights, holidays alone, cold dinners... all because he wants this. Well what about my wants? Where do those figure into the life we are building. If he isn't doing something regarding the stupid fire department then he isn't doing anything. Its not like I do not like him having passion for something. On the contrary I think its great. But when does that passion become a prison? When does it cause the ones you love to go insane? And where do you go when it overwhelms you. How do you deal with him refusing to even talk to you at the end of a day when all he cares about is getting enough rest for tomorrow? How do I fix this mess? How do I tell him this isn't working. That I resent how every minute of his day is dedicated to firefighting? How do I become at peace with this? How do I express what I feel? If I could hit the rewind button id keep my whole life the same minus this mess. He is a good husband, a great one. But ignoring your wife is not the way to go. Especially when she just wants time with you. At the end of the day all she wants is you. But what if he doesn't want me back? What if this crazy train has jumped the tracks or the monster he has become cannot understand what I am trying to say? Im so sick of sacrificing my life so he can do whatever he wants. I want my husband back.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Quick update!

Trying to do allot of paperwork today but just wanted to to a quick blog update. I think I am a bit overwhelmed. I think that I get that way every month end though. This paperwork is just something that I have to get done.

So perhaps my random musings for today are extremely short!

We all have to die sometime...

My husband woke me up this morning before he left to firefighter one class. "There's a full code on ________ street." he said as he kissed me goodbye. I think I remembered hearing sirens as I began getting dressed, showering, and debating on whether I should do my hair and makeup or not. It was all about me this morning.

Hopping in the car was no small feet and as we loaded in I remember verbalizing that I did not feel good this morning so we were going to listen to the radio. At the end of our street I turned left and heading up on the road we all saw it. Two ambulances, a cop car. I knew then that this was the code from earlier and the reason we had heard the sirens is because the house was so close to our own. I don't know who it was or what the circumstances but unfortunately there was a man in the yard talking on a cell phone who was obviously upset and a woman sitting on the steps of the house crying.

Death had come for whomever lived in that house. Grief had stricken another family. God had potentially called one of his children home.

As a Christian, I have not always approached things the way I should. Especially death. Perhaps it stems from my grandfather dying when I was so young. All the time that I thought I should have had with him and God said he needed him more. Or perhaps, it was loosing my first dog, standing at funerals for people I knew, or didn't know, maybe even it was all the rescue calls I ran with grieving families begging me to do something I couldn't. Bring their loved one back.

Death has always been scary to me. I don't know if the above circumstances have made me scared or if something else has. All I know is that I have come to the realization today that it isn't something to be feared. It's the ultimate test of a Christians faith really. I mean being afraid of death is actually doubting that God's word is truth. It's taking all the Sunday School lessons, Sermons, Christian Music, and the Bible itself and doubting it. Doubting has no place in Christianity. Doubt is Satans hold on you. I do not want to doubt.

So, I know I am only 22 here and this might perplex some people but i think I am okay with death. God has a plan for my life. God has promised me an eternal home. Death is not something to be feared. It's something to look forward to. And, I plan on doing everything I can so that when death does come to me it's a celebration.

Welll,

It's been awhile. Sorry about that. I know that everyone is just super duper disappointed that I did not finish that song a day thing. Sorry, but unfortunately I don't have time. I have been super busy. I just realized today that I desperately need to order graduation announcements. I really hope that everyone comes! I am super excited (even though it is not really a bachelors, just an associates.)

Well I do not feel like typing so much more.

Do you ever want something so bad that it drives you insane? Maybe it's just me but things are starting to drive me crazy. It's like nothing makes sense because it's the next step but somehow you aren't taking it! This is exactly how I feel! And the insanely undecided weather is not helping this. I mean 70 degrees one day and snow the next? It's all a little overwhelming. Maybe I will figure it all out. In the meantime I am left with a preview of how life might be without going to class next year. I can say I have already gotten allot more cleaning done in the last several days than I thought possible. Maybe tomorrow I will tackle the guest bedrooms.

Too bad the hubby doesn't get off from fire fighter one class....

Disabilities.

All around I see people with labels. Smart. Funny. Mean. Beautiful. Autistic. Artistic. Ugly. Jock Cheerleader. Intellectually Disabled. Hard Working.

These labels are something that I deal with everyday. Now you might think that I am a little off my rocker but I have to be honest here. I am sick of labels. Sick of people thinking that just because someone is different means that they are not worthy of their time. I see it every day. I fight it every day.

I guess the things that get me is that certain labels are bad and others are good. Society has imposed these labels so that people can be sorted. But what is the point of sorting if in the long run we all go through the same struggle?

I know. Right about now I am sounding like some hippee recording but I have seen so much of it in my 22 years that I feel I can blog about it. No human is perfect. I mean we all have our bad days. So why if you aren't perfect should you judge others? You shouldn't.

So please PLEASE please think before you speak. Because honestly in my eyes those that make fun of someone because of their label are the disabled ones.